Just so we’re clear: People Magazine’s sadly predictable celebration of white American mediocrity aside, we all know that Idris Elba is, unequivocally, without any dispute, the sexiest man alive, right? Like, I don’t even mean this as an issue of personal preference. I am literally just making a statement of objective fact based on scientific evidence which suggests more people would hypnotically follow a pan flute-playing Idris Elba out of a village never to be seen again than any other male celebrity.
You know that whole trope where like, the protagonists get teleported up into the aliens’ spaceship or base or whatever and the alien appears to them only it doesn’t appear as it really looks like but rather, since it doesn’t want to scare the protagonists, it takes the form of something we find familiar and pleasing and is like, “I look like your dad or whatever–is this form okay?” Like I think about that trope a lot and I think like, what if the alien couldn’t pick out a form via telepathy and only had earth media to try and decide what form would scare its human guests least and be accepted almost immediately and honestly the more I think about it the more options for what form that might be are just really fun to me.
“I have chosen the form of your earth playwright and composer Lin-Manuel Miranda–do not be afraid. I come in peace.”
“Greetings. I am Glofnorbo of the cloud you call the ‘Pegasus Nebula.’ I have scanned your earth media from afar and empirically decided that you would find the form of the one known as Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson most pleasing. I have come to confer with your leaders.”
“Do not be panic. I come in peace. I have assumed the form of your insectoid demigoddess ‘Hatsune Miku’ so that we may communicate peacefully without my true form horrifying you.”
“It was decided that I would assume the form of your ‘Mister Rogers’ in order to best welcome your world to the galactic neighborhood without frightening your kind.”
“…So did your colleague take on the form of Jack Black for that reason too?”
“No, that is the actual Jack Black. We do not know how to make him leave.”
– The guy in front of you in class is shopping for a charcoal grill on ebay. why. sir. we have a test next week.
– Squirrels just….have no fear. None. Only on college campuses though. Are they okay?
– Finding condoms, packaged and not, in various places. 9 times out of 10, if there’s something inside, it’s not what the condom is supposed to have inside of it.
– Water balloon condoms. See above.
– That one guy who wears the same hat every day and you see him every day and you don’t understand why he’s so attached to this hat what is he hiding
– *single flake of snow appears* “Maybe campus will shut down tomorrow.”
– Campus doesn’t shut down. There’s three feet of snow and the wind chill is below zero.
– That one corner of the library basement that no one goes to. It smells old and there’s probably a ghost there.
– When you’re a pedestrian, you hate the cyclists. When you’re on a bicycle, you want nothing more than to run every single person over.
– You see someone violently acting out a music video with their headphones in. You leave them alone because you were doing the same thing thirty minutes ago. You hope it goes well for them.
– Theater majors. Just…theater majors.
– do the science kids???? ever leave the science buildings???? where do they sleep?
– There’s a dog. It’s surrounded in seconds by over-caffeinated, under-hydrated students who haven’t slept in three days.
– you find articles of clothing in really weird places and just. stop caring. glove in a tree? Cool man. Sock on the street? Hope no one needed that. Pants on the stairs of the dorm? Use a condom bro.
– The dorm lobby television only ever plays sports, news, or The Food Network. No one is ever actually watching what’s on.
– how are the art students even alive
– that one professor that EVERYONE on campus knows, even if they have a completely different major than what they teach.
– there’s a class. you know you had it. you know you have a grade for it. you can’t remember a single second of your time in it.
– Where did that cat come from? No one knows. It’s always been there. You can’t pet it. Only stare from afar.
– what is tipping? how does it work? idk tip the pizza guy five bucks for the ten dollar pizza. he looks tired. he’s dying on the inside. he saw a guy naked tonight.
– Inevitable “pinned condom on the bulletin board goes missing” gag
– Your whiteboard markers are missing again. You put them out yesterday.
– someone stole an entire skeleton from the science buildings. it got returned a week later without the skull.
– Vocalist majors. Almost as bad as the theater majors. At least the theater kids don’t sing during breakfast.
– there’s a piano in the student lounge. no one can play anything but Chopsticks and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
– your garbage is four feet tall and has been there for two weeks. you add more to the top. you took the recycling out yesterday.
All jokes aside though Peter meeting Harley at some point would be so fucking funny like he probably spent months trying to figure out whether he was annoying Tony with his texts only to find out that some little asshole down in Tennessee has been
sporadically
tagging Tony in facebook shitposts over a three-year period and when he finds them he’s like “Mr Stark not to be rude but what the actual fuck”
if all superhero films in the foreseeable future could just be directed by patty jenkins and taika waititi, until better directors come forward and/or other directors step up their game..,,…. that would be dandy,,,,
This is why Mr. Fry will always have a seat at my table.
Amen.
I was having a conversation about religion with this guy and he asked me what I would do if I got into heaven and had to sit next to God. I told him I wouldn’t take the seat.
As an atheist, putting my hand on the Bible and saying an oath before testifying to a court is less likely to get me to tell the truth than a pinkey promise
When my parents were fighting for custody, I was old enough to have a say, so they put me under oath to assure I was being honest with my feelings. Using my best serious face, knowing what was coming, when offered the bible to swear on, I requested to swear on the secretary’s hole punch, “because it’s far more honest. It says it’s going to punch a hole, and it does, best God I’ve seen today.” My mom buried her face in her hands, my dad sighed and rubbed his forehead. The judge almost choked on his water before telling the bailiff “find this young lady a hole punch!”
San Jose councilman
Lan Diep sworn into office with his Captain America Shield
andtheytoldustotellyouhello 