Look I would pay real currency to watch a series of Anakin and Obi-Wan’s couples counseling. The angst and the passive-aggressiveness and the “I’m fine it’s fine everything’s fine” “NO IT’S NOT OBI-WAN NOTHING IS FINE”. Or individual Jedi counseling.
Better: I want to watch the documentary/mockumentary made by a GFFA psychologist who embeds themselves with the Jedi Order to better understand how they can all be so chill and collected – What’s their secret? How can we all learn, from their example, to embrace serenity in our own lives? – who eventually, as the documentary wears on, comes to realize that THE JEDI ORDER IS COMPRISED ENTIRELY OF EMOTIONAL TRAINWRECKS.
I am living for this now. As @
devilangel657 said, the idea of a psychologist embedding themselves in the Jedi Order and having to listen to the stories of the stupidity the Jedi have to deal with every goddamned day in their roles as peacekeepers and later freeing worlds, would be amazing.
They’re so serene and calm and put together when you first meet them! Then, like, a month later, “YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE THE SHIT I HAD TO DEAL WITH ON BRENTAL. LET’S JUST SAY IF I HAVE TO SEE ANOTHER FUCKING PIRATE I AM GOING TO SHOVE A LIGHTSABER UP THEIR ASS BEFORE THEY HAVE A CHANCE TO SAY A GODDAMNED WORD.” blares through the Force, even when all the Jedi says is, “It was a difficult mission, but I believe it has been resolved to the best of my abilities.”
Obi-Wan and Anakin’s couple’s therapy is a disaster. Sure, Anakin wants to talk about things! Until the psychologist turns to him and tries to make him talk about what’s eating him and then NOTHING IS WRONG, EVERYTHING’S FINE, he says angrily, crossing his arms and glaring.
Obi-Wan looks at the psychologist, not a single hint of self-awareness on his face, like, See what I have to deal with?
YES. Little by little, all these things come out and eventually it becomes clear that A) the Jedi have to put up with a TON of the universe’s bullshit, B) there are a LOT of secret affairs going on, both within and outside of the Order, and C) there is a WHOLE LOT of trauma being actively repressed.
I feel like Mace Windu would be amazing in this documentary series. The interviewer would be like “It sounds like you have a very difficult role, being responsible for so much in the Order. Would you agree?” and he just keeps staring into space like this:
…before finally taking a deep breath and being like, “It is a noble calling, and one I am honored to take on.”
Yoda cancels on his interview like 45 times, or pretends to be napping or dead when the guy shows up, because He Really Doesn’t Wanna Talk About This Stuff Everyone Knows The Order Is Just Fine Look How Well-Adjusted We All Are.
Quinlan Vos does his interview from a bar, during which he becomes increasingly inebriated. His interview turns into him just bragging about various conquests or awesome parties he’s been to on undercover missions. Viewers love him.
Obi-Wan explains to the horrified interviewer that he really totally wasn’t traumatized by being sent away to be a space farmer when he was 12, or the fact that he once got a rock for his birthday, or that his Space Dad was murdered in front of him. And that things between him and Anakin are FINE.
The two of them don’t realize they’re still mic’d up when they try to “discuss” things in the hallway in between filming after a particularly pointed on-screen argument. The resulting audio includes lecturing (Obi-Wan), dramatic yelling (Anakin), retreading of very old arguments (both), and eventually some mild dirty talk, which they vehemently deny later even though they both have mussed up hair when they return.
Ahsoka’s interview is hilarious, since it is mostly just her telling stories about Anakin or Obi-Wan embarrassing themselves.She manages to come off as one of the most competent people in the entire show despite the fact that she’s like 15. She instantly becomes a favorite of viewer commentators on the Holonet.
Some of the Clones get interviewed about what it’s like to work with the Jedi. This turns into all of them sharing “most insane thing my Jedi has done” stories, and it results in 157 hours of footage. They end up with their own series.
Chancellor Palpatine also does an extended interview as one of the Jedi’s closest colleagues, in which he repeatedly has to take a break from filming because he keeps breaking out into inappropriate giggles as he discusses how insightful the Order is, and what great partners they’ve been for his administration in helping it to achieve its goals.
I am crying at that screencap of Mace, that’s exactly the face he’d make.
“The Jedi aren’t perfect, we have our difficulties, just as anyone else in the galaxy does,” they all say. “But we deal with them internally to the best of our abilities. We’ve agreed to this documentary as a gesture of good will, we hope to reach out to our fellow Republic citizens and show that we are as human as any of you.”
What they don’t say is FUCK OFF WE DEAL WITH OUR PROBLEMS OURSELVES, but you kind of get that impression anyway. And the first half of the documentary is this build-up towards the idea that the Jedi are totally fucked up, they’re all a bunch of lunatics who refuse to admit they actually have problems.
But then the second half of the documentary has, like, 300 hours of footage of the Jedi dealing with two warring clans on some Mid-Rim world, each willing to nuke themselves into orbit just to spite the other side, and the Jedi have to deal with literal tantrums from political leaders at least once a month and they have to see politicians living these ridiculous lives of luxury, they have space caviar flown in specially hand delivered while ¾ths of their world are literally starving in poverty, and still have to smile and make nice with said politician because otherwise they won’t be able to get this trade agreement signed that will help the rest of the world, and all the while they’re not allowed to scream obscenities or anything. And you start to realize, oh, shit, I’d have gone off the deep end, too, if I had to deal with that every day of my life.
The documentary works in a roundabout way, endearing people to them–it shows the Jedi being human, that one time they caught Luminara Unduli making the most amazing bitch face, just for a moment, before she managed to smooth it back over. They caught Obi-Wan Kenobi actually swearing one time! They have at least an hour’s worth of outtakes of Anakin Skywalker flying around on his droid and crashing face-first into a wall or swanning off the top of the Temple and screaming when he misses the speeder Master Kenobi is driving to try to snag him the first time!
“It was a bit of a close call,” Anakin Skywalker says with a grin, “But I had it totally under control.” (Smash cut to Anakin screaming and flailing as story after story of the Temple blurs by him as he falls while Obi-Wan zips the speeder around for a second try.)
There’s a collage of the Greatest Faces Ahsoka Tano Makes When Dealing With Republic Officials. Almost unanimously, the face she makes when Wilhuff Tarkin turns away from her are voted as #1.
There’s also entire sites dedicated to gossiping about the love lives of the Jedi. The HoloNet EXPLODES when Obi-Wan and Anakin are caught on mic making suggestive comments after their fight, because everyone thought FOR SURE Skywalker was involved with Senator Amidala, have you SEEN the way he makes cow eyes at her? There are threads and threads of HA AH VINDICATION!!! from Obikin shippers and NO WAY THIS IS JUST PART OF A THREESOME shippers.
(Everyone, please forgive me this enormous reblog. I think you all understand I have no choice.)
So, basically this is what’s going to foil Palpatine’s plans, isn’t it? He is kicking himself, because he actually urged the Jedi to do the documentary series in the first place, thinking that they’d come off as totally dogmatic, dispassionate weirdos and the Republic would be turned off, making it easier for him to push his “The Jedi Are Evil” spiel later.
Instead, as the series wears on, everyone finds them oddly charming, and is overwhelmed by how hard they work and the good they do. There’s all kinds of forums set up for the inevitable Jedi Order Fandom as people nitpick every detail the show reveals. The gossip is out of control. Ahsoka can’t go anywhere without an interviewer asking her about the state of her “dads”’ relationship. Padme is hounded by the tabloids every time someone thinks they saw her out with Anakin somewhere (and OMG IS THAT A BABY BUMP??! WHAT IS OBI-WAN GONNA THINK?! Wait, is OBI-WAN the father???!). Hondo Ohnaka, of course, uses this as a chance to make some money, and is constantly trying to sell outlandish stories about his “friends” the Jedi to the tabloids.
A couple of systems start petty disputes with each other just to get a Jedi and some clones to visit, and they start placing requests (”Can you guys send Luminara? We LOVE her, OMG. Also is Fives available?”) Even Yoda, who was hesitant to even participate, becomes somewhat beloved in his own right as the series’ grumpy, long-suffering grandpa, once viewers see how much insanity the poor guy’s been living with for hundreds of years.
I am very sorry to everyone that this is making your dash probably a lot to handle today, but you have to understand that this is what I joined Star Wars tumblr for.
Palpatine is so gleeful at first, look how awful the Jedi look, even though he’s pushing that, oh, they work so hard and they’re so talented and amazing! But then the memes start. LET OBI-WAN KENOBI HAVE A NAP. SOMEONE FEED THAT POOR CHILD AHSOKA TANO A REAL SANDWICH. AND GET HER A JACKET SHE LOOKS COLD. There are floating, spinning star crows attached to Anakin Skywalker’s head in holo pictures and vids. There’s a picture of Master Yoda making a face as he trips and it gets plastered all over the internet. Mace Windu strikes a dramatic pose after a battle and it’s caught on holo, people splash motivational wolf-style quotes over the image. The most popular of which is, “WHAT DOESN’T KILL YOU. IS GOING TO DIE.” while Master Windu stands there with a >:| face and his lightsaber at the ready.
There starts to be knockoff Jedi merchandise. Toy lightsabers are a huge hit! So many people are much nicer to the Jedi now and are like, “Are you comfortable? Can I get you a blanket? You’ve probably had a hard day, here have a slice of pie, on the house.”
REQUESTING SPECIFIC JEDI. Of course The Team gets the most requests (Anakin is initially pleased by this, but then there are people flirting with Obi-Wan. WHO IS FLIRTING BACK. And knows exactly what he’s doing and keeps glancing at Anakin to see the effect of it because he’s a jerk who likes to rile people up. NOT THAT IT’S WORKING, OBI-WAN.) but Shaak Ti and Luminara Unduli prove surprisingly popular, everyone just falls in love with them. The clones, finally having the perfect audience for this, are MORE THAN HAPPY to tell everyone about the Most Insane Thing Their Jedi Has Done. Rex and Cody are no longer allowed to participate, in order to give everyone else a fair shot.
There are fandom wars over whether the fact that Obi-wan flirts with EVERYONE makes the Obikinmidala three-way MORE or LESS likely. “Hello there” becomes code for “I am flirting with you now” overnight. Clone naming conventions start to become popular with new parents and teens get their hair/ hair equivalent styled like their favorite clone commanders.
On the political side, the average Republic citizen starts getting savvier. Seeing their favorite Jedi deal with these Senate officials and obstinate planetary governors, day in and day out, energizes populations to organize more effectively. The Jedi are unsure how to feel about this at first, but its nice to have the added leverage when dealing with particularly reticent political figures.
Elan Sleazebaggano (of Death Stick fame) is Obi’s biggest fan. After he gets his life rethought, he becomes a community organizer in the fandom, trying to do for others what his favorite Jedi did for him
Okay so there are so many things to love here. Mace Windu’s FACE, Yoda memes, Luminara Unduli’s Jedi composure slipping, Anakin and Obi Wan being actual human messes, Poor Ahsoka, the only sane person in a literal mad house, the clones… Can you imagine how smug Rex and Cody are?
Obi Wan: goes to do something hilariously ExtraTM.
Cody: Arms crossed casually, face completely blank. “Ahem”
Obi Wan: Looks at him… “If I do this, you’re going to tell the entire Republic won’t you?”
Cody: Raises eyebrow. “What do you think?”
Obi Wan: “Ah, well,” looks almost sheepish. “What do you suggest, Commander?”
Cody: Deadpan “You’re learning.”
But we are missing some hilarious potential here… So you guys know how bad Padme and Anakin are at pretending they don’t know intimate details about each other/covering their asses/being remotely subtle? Well, once a film crew is following Anakin around on a semi-regular basis, they get even worse.
For example, Anakin, Padme, Obi Wan, and Ahsoka are sent on a diplomatic mission together, documentary crew accompanying. They all board Anakin’s ship and there’s a lovely lace outer robe lying in a crumpled heap on the copilot seat from when Anakin and Padme made their last Dramatic Escape from a senatorial function (”I thought you said you were in danger?” “I was- a few more minutes and I’d have DIED of boredom.”) Anakin snatches it up and shoves it into his robes.
“SO THAT’S WHERE I LEFT MY FORMAL ROBES. OBI WAN WILL BE SO PLEASED.” and then he turns bright red because he just implied that Obi Wan will be really happy to see him in a undersized, lacy robe, which is true but not the impression he intended to give the viewing public. Padme breaks a rib suppressing her laughter. The psychiatrist and crew just roll their eyes and wonder why they’re even keeping up the pretense of deception.
Or, the crew just keep on finding mugs of half-drunk tea with lipstick marks in Padme’s distinctive signature shade
”They’re Ahsoka’s,” Anakin blurts out.
Ahsoka, who is there and not wearing a single smidge of lipstick looks at the camera, looks at Padme’s lipstick covered lips, looks back at the camera. Everyone turns to Padme. She looks around the ship. Anakin hasn’t cleaned it in months. There is exposed wiring from the last time Anakin started “improving” it and then got distracted. It smells like sweaty man and teenager and curry.
“I really enjoy the ambiance?” She offers. “It’s very… relaxed.” A muffled snort comes from the vicinity of Ahsoka. Anakin, who is standing next to her, steps on her foot. Ahsoka punches Anakin in the shoulder, hard. Obi Wan folds his arms and does his only sane man routine, which the psychiatrist and the documentary team now knows is Made of Lies and Deception.
This lasts until the team catches him sitting with Padme and Anakin in the cockpit, giving Padme a foot massage while Anakin drives.
“It’s a Jedi’s duty to do what is needed.” He explains repressively. “The Senator had a cramp. I did it for democracy.”
Despite all this fun it is a small subgenre of the Jedi fandom who end up having the greatest impact – the conspiracy theorists.
See, in among the “Kenobi is secretly a Space Siren”, “Skywalker is the avatar of entropy” and “the Jedi don’t die but merely change their forms and continue to save the galaxy under a new name” theories there are a smaller subset who are driven by the desperate need to uncover the truth of the war so that the Jedi can go back to spending more time with fans planets in need of their expertise. Everyone thinks they’re nuts. Until they don’t.
It starts as a post on a forum with user k3n0b15w00shyh41r ranting about how the war so obviously benefits the military industrial complex, and why has no one ever investigated Kamino for separatist links? User winduismygod93 points out that’s an excellent question, and wait a moment, why exactly were the clones commissioned in the first place? I mean, it was convenient, but could you really see masters Yoda or Windu authorising the creation of sentient beings for war? User 5tone9arden agrees – could this be a smear campaign? User masspalooza posits that it was a false flag operation by the Sith, and after a bit of digging user 5ith7i9ht uncovers the Sifo Dyas link – a known associate of the traitor Dooku? They’re on to something. User blankdayzii is concerned about sabotage when user xxx_t4N0_xxx points out a strange bit of footage from the latest episode of “Craziest things my Jedi has done!!! – Series 3, of a clone looking suddenly disoriented and shaking his head while muttering. User y0dAts4w3sm obsessively scans footage for more case into a compilation holovid. But it is user shaak_pronounsaresirandgeneral_ti who comes to the final conclusion: mind control. This is urgent! What if the Sith are secretly implanting sleeper agents into republic forces to shift the tides of war!!! It probably wouldn’t have gone any further, except user 0biAn1da7a689 turns out to actually be the Senator for a minor system in the Mid-Rim and raises the issue in open debate…
The Kaminoans rebut the accusations – some clones have occasional reactions to their aggression control chips! Which are perfectly safe from tampering because they put them in prior to deployment are you some kind of CIS sympathiser trying to undermine our brave troops senator?
Some reporter bails up the nearest Jedi for comment and oh, wouldn’t you know it? It’s General Skywalker! Here to see Senator Amidala for midweek nookie on Jedi business! Whose first response is “Chips? WHAT CHIPS?” followed by a litany of curses so vile even the reporter from the Nal Hutta Tribune is impressed. After Anakin’s brain reboots he does what he does best and angrily descends upon Obi-Wan demanding they free the clones immediately!
And that is how Palpatine had a very bad day and the Jedi fandom saved their heroes from a future full of loneliness and sand.😉
(yes there are references to some of you in the forum bit – @forcearama should be obvious but there are at least 3 more 😏)
People, I’m sorry this is a gigantic post now but I just want you guys to see this.
Am I the only one who remembers that time a padawan was whining about how Yoda doesn’t have any feelings and Yoda was like, “Excuse you, I have been burying loved ones for sixty times longer than you have been alive, lecture me about grief do not.”
This is BEAUTIFUL. Pretty improbable – let’s be honest, even though he’d absolutely underestimate how likable segments of the audience would find the Jedi, Palpatine would still 110% make sure that whoever was hired to put the documentary footage together did so in such a way as to make the Jedi look like The Worst Ever™ (think reality TV dialed up to eleven) – but Ilaugh in the face of realism when the crack is this delightful.
Jedi Order fandom!!! Tabloids and conspiracy theory boards!!! Therapy for ALL the Jedi!!!! Palpatine’s Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day(s) being the unintentional product of his own meddling!!
😀
Wait, wait – Asajj Ventress as a closet fan of the series!!! If anyone ever discovered her Deep Dark Secret, she’d claim that she only watches the show to uncover Jedi weaknesses and to make fun of them… and that wouldn’t be entirely untrue – she does love scoffing at Jedi stupidity on her holoscreen – but it’s more than just that.
She gets a real sense of community from the Jedi on the show. Which is pathetic, of course, or so she tells herself. She’s a Sith acolyte, soon-to-be Sith apprentice, and she doesn’t need friends or family like these weak Jedi seem to. (Even though they claim they’re above such things. Obviously another case of Jedi hypocrisy at work.) But the abandoned young girl who lives deep inside her soaks it up vicariously and with poorly-hidden envy.
And a few of these Jedi don’t seem too bad. Plo Koon, for instance, reminds her just a little bit of Ky Narec. And while young Tano has all the irksome enthusiasm and dogmatic certainty of youth, she won’t deny that the girl can be entertaining. Besides, she pities Tano for having to put up with both Kenobi and Skywalker.
And a few other Jedi… well, as long as they don’t open their mouths, they can be quite pleasant to look at. For Jedi, anyway. Not that she would notice that sort of thing, of course.
She eventually joins a few fan forums under the username 2sab3rsar3b3tt3rthan1. For research purposes and to spread the truth about the Jedi, obviously. Not-so-surprisingly, she winds up getting into lots of heated discussions with fellow fans of the show, and a couple of them get her second-guessing some of her decisions over the past few years. (A few users also introduce her to the wonderful world of Jedi memes, but that’s a story for another day.)
Dooku, both because he’s a Sith (and thus rightly paranoid about betrayal) and because he’s a control freak with no sense of boundaries, has always secretly monitored his apprentice’s media consumption and holocommunications. It’s not high on his priorities list, however, so he’s set the system up so that he’s notified if certain flagged key words appear more than X times in a fixed timeframe.
“Jedi” is, of course, one of those key words.
So when he starts getting twelve thousandalert dings to his comm, he’s naturally a little bit worried, a little bit curious, and very irritated.
Things progress from there.
Dooku starts watching the show, and it makes him feel feel nostalgic and ever-so-slightly regretful about having left the Jedi Order. He’s still bitter about all of the problems in the Order, of course, but… part of him misses having a community to fall back on; a group of others to be superior to. He’s still superior to all of the Jedi, of course, but it’s not the same when they aren’t around to appreciate it. Besides, the holodocumentary has made it more clear ever that his lineage desperately needs him. And while this whole Sith thing has been going more or less according to plan, he’s long had his suspicions about Sidious’ true intentions towards him…
But Dooku doesn’t actually do anything until Sidious orders him to dispose of Ventress. It’s not that he’s fond of her – don’t be ridiculous! – but she’s been a faithful apprentice and a useful tool. Killing her would be wasteful. (And she so looks up to him…) Besides, if Sidious is this eager to kill Ventress because he thinks she poses a threat to him, what does that say about his own fate? Dooku is still fairly certain he can outmaneuver Sidious when the time comes, but… why should he wait when there’s an easy answer sitting right in front of him?
Cue Dooku returning to the Order in the dark of night, Ventress in tow.
The ratings on the next episode of the holodocumentary are off the charts.
I honestly can’t believe this post is still getting notes AND additions!
Mace Windu takes his seat on the council and waits for the other members to join the session. Currently it’s only Ki Adi and Yoda who’ve joined him, both quiet and lost in their own thoughts. Mace isn’t about to bother either of them, not wanting to deal with Yoda and his constant rambling speeches that circle around and around, like an Albatross looking for land.
Today they’re discussing Obi-Wan Kenobi. The youngling who has a hard time controlling his temper and a harder time finding a Master. He’ll be thirteen soon, and from the way things are going, it doesn’t seem the young one will find anything within these temple walls.
Perhaps-
The thought stalls out before Mace can even finish it and he feels a shatterpoint begin to form. A shatterpoint that feels oddly familiar. It feels like-
Him.
There’s a burst of light and Mace finds himself staring up at….himself. Ki-Adi and Yoda both startle in their chairs, Ki-Adi drawing his saber on the intruder who he can only see from the back.
“Put that away before your hurt yourself.” Mace Windu says and turns to face Ki-Adi.
“What in the Sith!” Ki-Adi exclaims and then holsters his saber.
“Calm down.” Windu says, hands on his hips. "I came back through a shatterpoint to take care of some very urgent business.“
“Very urgent this must be.” Yoda croaks in his horrible little gremlin voice and Windu considers planting his fist in Yoda’s entire fucking face before opting against it. Punching the master of the order isn’t going to help him….yet.
“Only if you consider the obliteration of the Jedi Order urgent.” He snaps it at Yoda, pissed beyond belief at the sass he’s getting. Yoda’s ears perk up and he looks more alert than Windu ever remembers seeing him.
“The obliteration of the order?” Mace echoes it and shares a look with Ki-Adi. "What happened?“
“The fucking Sith happened.” Windu half shouts and waves his arms. "Motherfucking Sith are invading the motherfucking SENATE.“
“The senate?” Ki-Adi parrots and Windu snaps his head to glare at the man.
“Senator Sheev Palpatine.” Windu confirms. "He’s a Sith lord.“
“A very heavy accusation this is.” Yoda humms and Windu goes from mildly pissy to volcanic eruption.
“HE CUT OFF MY HANDS AND THREW ME OUT A FUCKING WINDOW.” Windu explodes. "I’LL SEE THAT ASSHOLE BURN IN THE DEEPEST PITS OF HELL BEFORE I LET HIM KILL ME AGAIN.“ Even Yoda goggles at him, mouth dropping open at having someone, anyone lift their voice at him in anger. It hasn’t happened in….Yoda doesn’t actually remember.
"How.” Ki-Adi clears his throat. "How we do stop that from happening.“
"The first step.” Windu says, voice dropping to a low angry growl. "Is to get that little shit Kenobi a master.“ He stabs a finger in Mace’s direction. "And NOT your wookie-fucking friend.”
“That was one time.” Mace says incredulously, taken aback at Windu’s anger at a man he thought they would both call friend. "And he’s just going through some hardships, he needs-“
"Qui-Gon Jinn needs SHIT.” Windu spits it. "He needs some fucking therapy is what he needs. If I come back here and find out you gave Kenobi to him I will be VERY unhappy.“ And as suddenly as he appeared he vanishes, leaving Mace alone with two other very confused members of the council.
XxX XxX
Mace tries.
He talks to the few Jedi Masters around the temple that don’t have Padawan’s to teach, even goes so far as to ask Master Dooku if he’d be willing to train a youngling with a case of anger issues.
No one wants the boy.
Mace is….just too busy. No really, with his new seat on the council he’s far too busy with paperwork and council meetings to even consider taking on a padawan, especially one as volatile as Obi-Wan Kenobi, who is being disciplined yet again for picking a fight with another youngling.
Whatever that child has against young Bruck, Mace hopes he can be reasoned with, and soon. Or he’s going to find himself aged out with no one to blame but himself.
Well. There’s always-
Pain explodes in his face and leaves him reeling, stumbling back and blinking away the stars as blood starts to pour from his newly broken nose.
"WHAT THE FUCK DID I TELL YOU?” Windu roars at him and Mace cups hands over his nose, staring at his older self with both apprehension and terror.
“I asked around.” He says, sounding nasily and annoyed. "No one wants the boy. He’s too quick to anger.“
"Too quick to anger my entire black ASS.” Windu says and Mace raises an eyebrow. "That boy is being bullied and no one gives a shit because you’re all too busy shoving your heads so far up your own asses you can taste your own shit.“
"Force, you’re full of profanity.” Mace says, glaring at his older self who slaps his hands out of the way and fixes his nose in one hard crunch of pain.
“You shut the hell up and go tell that boy you’re going to train him.”
“I’m too-” Windu has a handful of his robes, backing Mace up into the wall hard and fast and somehow LOOMING even though they’re the same damn height.
“The next words out of your sithdamned mouth had better be ’overjoyed to train Obi-Wan Kenobi’.” Windu snarls and Mace’s shoulders slump.
“I’ll see what I can do.” He mutters it and Windu vanishes like he’d never been there at all. "I really don’t like future me.“ He says to himself and then heaves a long sigh and goes to track down Obi-Wan.
XxX XxX
"I hear you’ve been having visitations.” Qui-Gon greets Mace during one of his very rare temple visits.
“I am and I hate him.” Mace grumbles into his caff.
“How can you hate him? He’s you.” Qui-Gon points out, like a bastard who’s never been punched in the face by his future self.
“He’s an asshole.” Mace says. "He punched me in the face and every second word out of his mouth is a profanity.“
"Well.” Qui-Gon cocks his head to the side and for a moment Mace can pretend the darkness that lives in Qui-Gon’s soul over the loss of Xanatos has lessened. "You must have done something to piss you off. Force knows I’ve wanted to punch you over the years.“
"Thanks for the vote of confidence.” Mace says dryly and Qui-Gon laughs for the first time since Xanatos fell. Force. It hurts to see his friend hurting and Mace takes a careful moment to consider-
“WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY?”
“Oh come ON.”
“I honestly thought you were joking.” Qui-Gon says, looking wide eyed between the two Mace Windu’s. The older one isn’t much older, maybe thirty years or so, but he wears them well.
“I am so sorry.” Mace tells him and Qui-Gon raises an eyebrow in question and completly misses Windu’s fist.
He wakes up on the floor, groggy and covered in his own blood.
“You can’t just PUNCH people.”
“I CAN PUNCH WHOEVER I WANT YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE.”
“Look. I wasn’t going to-”
“No YOU look. I can only show up when you’re about to make a FUCKING DECISION that will lead to the FUCKING DESTRUCTION OF THE GODDAMN JEDI ORDER.”
“Do I do that?” Qui-Gon asks from where he’s staring up at the ceiling, fixated on a missing tile.
“You don’t fucking HELP matters.” Windu says, voice sharp. "Get your dumb ass up off the floor before someone mistakes you for garbage.“
"What do I do?” Qui-Gon asks again and Windu fucking growls at him, fixes Mace with a hard look, and vanishes. "Okay you’re right.“ Qui-Gon tells Mace who snorts out a laugh and goes to help him off the floor.
"Oh I don’t know. I’ve wanted to punch you over the years.” He echoes Qui-Gon’s words and earns a groan as Qui-Gon hauls himself up off the floor.
XxX XxX
“Talked to many masters we have.” Yoda says and Mace hunches over in his chair because if Yoda is about to say what he thinks, this is going to be a very bad council session. "Train the young Kenobi, none of them will. Too much anger he has.“
"He was always so promising.” Ki-Adi sighs it and Mace breaths out in relief that maybe, just maybe he can get through talking or thinking about Obi-Wan fucking Kenobi without his alternate self showing up to throw hands and yell, as if that’s going to solve problems.
The future must be a very bleak place.
“Talked with Obi-Wan, I have.” Yoda says. "Speak to Qui-Gon Ji-ACK.“ Yoda’s words cut off at the enormous Korun fist in his face.
"HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES DO I HAVE TO COME BACK HERE?” Windu roars it and then turns in a circle so he can address the whole council. "HOW GODDAMN HARD IS IT TO FOLLOW ONE FUCKING RULE? DO. NOT. GIVE. OBI-WAN KENOBI. TO. QUI-GON. MOTHERFUCKING. JINN. YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKERS MIGHT AS WELL SEND A FORMAL FUCKING SURRENDER TO SHEEV PALPATINE.“
"Oh fuck my entire life.” Mace mutters it, drawing a startled look from Kit sitting to his left. "Fine. Fine. I’ll train the boy.“
"This had better be the last fucking time I come back here.” Windu warns in a low, mean voice and then he’s gone. You could hear a pin drop in the council chambers until Yoda sniffs.
“Bleeding, I am.”
XxX XxX
Mace scowls all the way down to the creche, scowls all the way through picking up Obi-Wan, who looks equally sullen even though he’s finally been taken on as a Padawan. Together they scowl all the way back to the new rooms Mace has taken, already missing his single suite.
“I have to go take care of some things for the council.” Mace says, not even looking at his new padawan for fear of resenting him. "I’ll be back by the evening bell.“
"Yes Master Windu.” Obi-Wan says, as if having a Master is some horrible obscure punishment. Should have given him to-
“Finish that thought and I will kill you and take your place.” Windu hisses in his ear, making Mace jump like a frightened cat.
“Why are you here?” Mace demands, trying and failing to calm his pounding heart. "I took the boy didn’t I? I’m training him just like you wanted.“ Rather than respond, Windu shoves him out of the way and then goes down onto one knee in front of the boy.
"Hello young Kenobi.” Windu’s face brightens with a smile and to Mace’s surprise the boy goes from sullen storm cloud to a bright little sunbeam.
“Hi Master Windu. I knew you were real, even if no one else did.”
“Well of course I’m real.” Windu reaches out and ruffles Obi-Wan’s hair, tugging gently on the boy’s ear to make him laugh. "I’m just from another point in time, that’s all.“
"Thank you for finding me a Master.” Obi-Wan says and then his voice lowers and Mace can barely make out what he’s saying.
“Youngling.” Windu’s voice goes impossible fond, the way Mace remembers talking to Deepa when she’d first moved to their new quarters and she’d had bad dreams. "Everything is going to be alright. I promise.“
"Okay.” Obi-Wan’s voice goes small and he darts forward suddenly, circling his arms around Windu’s neck in a tight hug. Windu wraps him up in a hug, holding on until Obi-Wan draws back first, rubbing at his cheeks like he’s trying to keep Mace from seeing his tears. "Thank you.“
"Of course.” Windu says and then gently bumps Obi-Wan’s chin with a knuckle. "Chin up young Kenobi. You’re future is as bright as the sunrise.“ And then he’s gone and Mace is left with Obi-Wan who sniffles wetly.
Mace swallows the urge to heave a long, endless sigh at how his life is turning out and drops to one knee, tugging out a handkercheif and wiping down Obi-Wan’s wet cheeks. "There’s no need for tears, padawan.”
“’M Sorry for crying.” Obi-Wan’s eyes drop and he shuffles his feet, like he’s waiting for Mace to administer a punishment for having the ever dreaded emotions.
“It’s fine.” Mace says and then gives into the urge to sigh. "Would you like to meditate?“ He asks, mentally reshuffling his afternoon.
"I’d like that very much.” Obi-Wan says and he feels like a beacon of brightness in the force. "Thank you Master.“
"Alright.” Mace gets to his feet. "Let me show you where the mats and incense are.“
okay but if they aren’t using any of carrie’s scenes in episode ix, then they need to do a time jump, and in that time jump they need to establish that leia died doing something peaceful bc after a whole life of heroics, she deserves a rest
also, rey and finn have been jedi training together with maz, finn and poe are now dating, rose was initially sad that finn chose poe but then started dating rey and her whole world lit up, kyle ron is running the first order into the ground, and hux has started feeding the resistance information bc he’s so fed up with kyle’s shit, and more stormtroopers have deserted the first order to join finn and the resistance
Every single damn thing about this is perfect please write ep. 9
alternately, since i suck at writing screenplays, i give all my ideas to taika waititi and he gives us the gayest greatest star wars we’ve ever seen
You know, with all the language throughout Star Wars about “giving in” to the Dark Side, how the Dark Side makes you more powerful, how the Dark Side makes you age strangely and destroys you, it sure doesn’t sound like an “opposite side of the coin” so much as the “deeper end of the pool,” like it’s actually the true form of the force and being a Jedi is about keeping it tamed so it doesn’t eat you the way it actually wants.
the force is entropy
Eldritch Jedi pls
This is one of the reasons i love the second Knights of the Old Republic game, wherein one of the major characters (who defines herself neither as Jedi nor Sith) actually views the Force this way, saying “I hate the Force. I hate that it seems to have a will, that it would control us to achieve some measure of balance, when countless lives are lost.”
It’s also the game that gave us the two most entropic, eldritch characters in the franchise: Darth Nihilus, whose dark-side-borne ability to feed on the Force and consume life itself has twisted him into a half-living “wound in the Force”, more presence than flesh
and Darth Sion, whose entire body is a ruin, his flesh nothing but ragged scar tissue, every bone and muscle broken and torn, kept animated by will alone as he forces himself, second by agonizing second, to exist
I wish there were more horrifying perspectives on the force like that
This is one of the reasons the term “Light Side” never felt right to me, even before it was used in any official media; The Force always struck me more like an ocean than a binary concept: the deeper you go, the darker and more crushing it gets — at a certain point becoming an effectually consistent darkness — and while light filters down and fades for some distance, if there is a truly light “side” it’d be the surface.
Which isn’t to say “the Force is evil unless you flounder about near the top” — just that it’s a natural force, and as such is something you need to respect and be adequately prepared for. (Take electricity, for example: super awesome and pretty dang useful, but OH HOLY SMOKES don’t try and harness it unless you REALLY know what you’re doing!)
In this sense, being tempted by the Dark Side is less a case of “Hey, I wonder what’s on the other side of this coin it looks pretty cool haha oh whoops I’m Space Walter White now,” and more one of “The deeper into this thing you go, the harder you’ll need to fight to resist the ever-increasing pressure, to remain whole, even to just see whatever the heck you’re actually doing.”
(which is why Jedi training is so important: those padawans gotta build themselves a mental Deepsea Challenger!)
Obi-Wan can find an invisible planet hidden by a devious Sith Lord, Anakin can’t find his ex-best friend on his own home planet while the guy is still using his own damn name.
I know we give Obi-wan a lot of shit for leaving Luke with his real surname but Anakin really is that stupid
the perfect hiding place: the sandiest fucking planet that anakin would never set foot on again
I’d like to remind everyone again that it’s literally canon that Vader can’t step foot on Tatooine because the desert gets into his creaky old man robot joints and makes his suit break down
aka the sand is coarse, rough, irritating, and gets everywhere
i d o n t l i k e s a n d
okay but what if everyone was like ‘vader, kenobi’s on tattooine. he’s obviously on tattooine. he’s been there for years. he’s just right fucking there, we all know it.’ and vader is just desperately shaking down jedi like they’re magic eight-balls and he wants a better fortune. like ‘no i don’t like that try again’.
kenobi’s just sitting there in his pile of sand like a smug fucking bastard. he doesn’t need to hide jack shit. he went to the tattooine board of tourism and got them to print up flyers that say ‘COME TO TATTOOINE, WE HAVE SAND’ and luke is probably going to be safe until his midlife fucking crisis at this rate.
palpatine finds vader aimlessly checking behind pieces of furniture in some shitty space motel on kamino
I can see him posing on his sand like this going “this is definitely keep him away.”
The problem with betraying your closest friends Anakin, is thay they know your every weakness and if you fuck up hard enough (like murdering younglings) they will not hesitate to take advantage of that knowledge. That’s how your son ends up on Tatooine.
There are only three strong female characters in the Star Wars universe
Net Neutrality is going away on the 14th
Shiro probably hates himself for leaving Matt when he escaped
Dean and Cas have been having eye sex for years but will probably never be together because of heteronormativity
Net Neutrality is being voted against on the 14th
Sally probably freaked out when she saw Percy’s legion tattoo because she’s a good mom whose 17 year old kid shouldn’t have a tattoo
Harry, Ron, and Hermione have PTSD from fighting evil since they were 11
The vote for Net Neutrality is on the 14th
Adrien and Marinette were a blink from knowing who the other was
Sense8 is getting a finale and hopefully all the pairs will get married because it’s what they deserve
The only reason you read this post is because you recognized a name from something and I hope you know that we need Net Neutrality to be able to continue enjoying all of these and more
face as he trips and it gets plastered all over the internet. Mace Windu strikes a dramatic pose after a battle and it’s caught on holo, people splash motivational wolf-style quotes over the image. The most popular of which is, “WHAT DOESN’T KILL YOU. IS GOING TO DIE.” while Master Windu stands there with a >:| face and his lightsaber at the ready.
andtheytoldustotellyouhello 