You know what cracky trash AU I could totally be down for? Hela using up a massive amount of her power and smashing back through whatever awful place Odin banished her to, so… like… she’s still magical and clever and strong, but her power level has been wrecked to “normal Asgardian” levels at least by breaking free. Maybe lower.
So, Hela breaks back into Asgard and tries to steal some of Odin’s treasures to make up for her slowly regenerating powers, but she can’t manage it. Too many guards on the vault or something. So, out of her mind with pain and fury, Hela steals Odin’s “true” treasures instead: kid!Thor and kid!Loki. (Hela has never forgiven her father for marrying that peace-loving witch of a woman. I hc Frigga as Hela’s step-mom, btw. (link to that post))
By some insane order of events, Hela manages to get away from Asgard with the equivalent of, like, a 13-yr-old Thor and a 10-yr-old Loki. Only… what the hell is Hela going to do with them? Use them as hostages? She’s weak enough that they can basically dogpile her to keep her from doing things and it works, and they’re such clever know-it-all shits. The only thing Hela can really do with her magic right now is hide them from Heimdall and his Sight, she can’t access the Bifrost, and she has no idea where they ended up. She was busy running for it while being chased by all of Asgard, thanks, and now her shitty asshole little brothers aren’t even bothering to pretend to be scared of her.
It’s bad enough that the bigger one keeps trying to fight her (even weakened to that of the average civilian, Hela is warrior enough to kick his ass, although the lightning trick is fucking annoying, she can’t taste her tongue), the smaller one with the decent grasp on illusion magic keeps trying to stab her in any and all sides while she’s distracted.
While arguing and fighting on this unknown planet, the three of them eventually stumble into Big Trouble of some kind or another. (What’s this? Vulnerable children of the All-Father? Yum.) Hela and her kid brothers have to put aside their differences to run for their lives. (They’re her hostages, damn it, she can’t let them die or call for help.) Through another insane order of events, Hela, Thor, and Loki end up on the run through the galaxy, accidentally getting involved in multiple plots, coups, revolutions, heists, and parties across multiple planets while trying to respectively evade the Asgardians also chasing them or get home. They leave so much chaos in their wake.
(Loki: “HE started it!”
Hela: “I don’t care who started the revolution! I’m ending it!”
Thor: *scoffs* “With what powers?”
Hela: “Shut up! You! I told you not to drink that stuff, but noooo-”)
Seriously, give me the trashiest, most crack-filled, wildest Kidnapping-Turned-Runaway-Road-Trip (turned Babysitting Gig from Hell) of a depowered Hela and her know-it-all hostages little brothers while some of the galaxy’s Biggest Bads try to catch the All-Father’s children while they’re vulnerable. Give me all the absurd, horrifying nonsense of a group of disaster gods screaming their way through surviving monsters.(At some point, kid!Loki stabs Thanos or someone equivalent in the ass. Because I need that to happen. It’s the highest point of Thanos that Loki could reach while the dude was threatening his brother. Thanos didn’t have much time to care about this though, because Hela soon stabbed him in the face like ten times for threatening her little brothers hostages.)
Give me all the bonding and a surprising amount of character development too, though. Hela has to come face to face with what Asgard’s conquering has done, without the power to be able not to care, and Thor realizes what his heritage is built on. Loki gets revealed to be a Frost Giant at some point, but his siblings still love him.
It’s beautiful, especially the part where all three siblings roll back into Asgard and 13-yr-old Thor (who has never had any decent taste in siblings in his life) is covered in ashes and blood but proudly like, “What up, we’re back. My murderous secret sister Hela is good-ish now and I love her!!! I love my Frost Giant brother too!!! Even if he looks like a weasel and eats garbage.”
(Loki: “We were all eating garbage! You ate more than I did!”
Hela: “Ugh. I surrender already. Can I shower yet?”)
Shuri shouting out the floor is lava and recording the confusion among the avengers wondering why tchalla king of Wakanda hopped up on a counter cause goddammit his little sister pulls this shit all the time and peter is stuck on the wall because he’s also a child of the internet and understands the meme life and now his fate is sealed there will never not be a time Shuri isn’t camera ready and yelling out the floor is lava to see the wackiest places she could get peter to stick on
T’Challa ignored her once so she developed synthetic deployable lava and the next time she yelled the floor is lava it actually was. T’Challa lives in fear now because he knows if he doesn’t pretend the floor is dangerous, it will be.
Once she got peter to stick onto T’Challa.
Everytime she does this, Thor is the first to find high ground. because Loki used to play the same game, and Loki was never one for ‘pretend’.
I need fanart of, like, all of these scenarios.
I have now the mental image of Thor on the counter, T’Challa hanging on his arm and Peter clinging onto T’Challa’s leg, hovering about 2cm above a pool of lava, with Loki and Shuri crying with laughter
andtheytoldustotellyouhello 