There’s another story that I like about a Chinese general who had to defend a city with only a handful of soldiers from a huge enemy horde that was in all likelihood going to steamroll the place flat within hours of showing up.
So when said horde did arrive, they saw the general sitting outside the city’s open gates, drinking tea. The horde sent a couple of emissaries over to see what was what, and the general greeted them cheerfully and invited them all to come and take tea with him.
The horde decided that this was a scenario that had “MASSIVE FUCKING TRAP” written all over it in beautiful calligraphy and promptly fucked off.
Whoever that general was, he was clearly the Ancient Chinese equivalent of Sam Vimes.
did he just invite us over for tea nah man i’m out
This just keeps getting better
I fucking love history.
ok but tbh that story misses a lot of the subtlety of the situation like ok
so this story is the Romance of Three Kingdoms, and essentially takes place between Zhuge Liang, resident tactician extraordinaire, and Sima Yi… OTHER resident tactician extraordinaire.
The two were both regarded as tactical geniuses and recognized the other as their rival. Zhuge Liang had a reputation for ambushing the SHIT out of his opponents and using the environment to his advantage, thus destroying large armies with a small number of men. Sima Yi (who kind of entered the picture later) was a cautious person whose speciality was unravelling his opponent’s plans before they began. So it was natural that the two would butt heads; however, since Sima Yi tended to have more men and resources, he started winning battles against the former. Which, y’know, kinda sucked.
On to the actual story: Zhuge Liang is all like “shit i gotta defend this city with like 10 men.” Literally if he fights ANY kind of battle here, he WILL lose; his only option for survival is not to fight. And that’s looking more and more impossible until he hears that his rival is leading the opposing army. And then he gets this brilliant idea. He basically opens all the gates, sends his men out in civilian clothes to sweep the streets, and sits on top of the gate drinking tea and chilling out and basically makes the whole thing out to be a trap
When Sima Yi comes he’s all like “yo come on in bro”
and Sima Yi is like “yeah he’s never been that obvious about his traps before. this is definitely a bluff” and he’s about to head in when he realizes
wait. he knows that i think he’s bluffing.
and so he gets it in his head that maybe, just MAYBE, Zhuge Liang has this cunning plan that will wipe out his army – recall that he has a pretty good handle on what his rival is capable of. And after a long period of deliberation (which is just like “he know that I know that he knows that etc.”), being the cautious man he is, SIma Yi eventually decides to turn his entire army around and leave.
Zhuge Liang later points out that the plan was based specifically on the fact that he was facing his rival; if it had been anyone else, there’s no way it would have worked. A dumber or less cautious person would have simply charged in and won without breaking a sweat.
and that’s the real genius here: it was a plan formed entirely just to deceive one man, and it worked.
Zhuge Liang is the most brilliant, sneaky-ass bastard in history. One time his side’s army was out of arrows, which pretty much meant they were screwed. So Zhuge Liang goes and does the logical thing, which is build a fuck ton of scarecrows and put them all on boats. Then he makes the men hide in the boats and sail them out on the river.
Well, that day was super foggy (which Zhuge Liang had predicted. Did I mention he was also a freakishly accurate meteorologist?). So the enemy across the river sees a fleet of boats armed to the teeth with what appears to be half an army of men. They panic! and start firing arrows like crazy.
Zhuge Liang lets this play out for a while, then he’s like, ”Ok guys that’s enough.” They calmly turn the boats around and go back to base, where they dismantle the scarecrows and pull out all the enemy’s arrows.
Zhuge Liang is legend.
I love this post. It just keeps getting better. Like seriously, I would have adored learning about this in World History.
If you want to see this in cinematic glory, watch Red Cliff.
Especially since it makes Zhuge Liang look like this:
Red Cliff is 50% bloody battles and 50% eye candy and about half of that eye-candy is due to Zhuge Liang
and it’s a zeugma where one of the words is literal and one is metaphorical which is the BEST KIND
I didn’t know about zeugmas until just now! That is so awesome, everybody:
zeug·ma
ˈzo͞oɡmə/
noun
a figure of speech in which a word applies to two others in different senses (e.g.,John and his license expired last week ) or to two others of which it semantically suits only one (e.g., with weeping eyes and hearts ).
if all superhero films in the foreseeable future could just be directed by patty jenkins and taika waititi, until better directors come forward and/or other directors step up their game..,,…. that would be dandy,,,,
Warnings! Mentions of prostitution. Language. General Promiscuity.
Few could claim to have seen Petyr Baelish angry.Fiercely truly angry, spitting and cursing. Most times, he contained his rage for the sake of maintaining his image, calm, cool, and collected in the face of adversity. His temperament knew no bounds, and if he had his way, it would’ve stayed that way forever.
“What is this?” Your tone was full of amusement and merriment, eyes scanning the letter so deftly tucked beneath a stack of books.
Jamie froze, half-torn between lying and tearing the letter away from you. In the end, he did nothing, staring blankly at the red insignia of a lion imprinted on the wax.
Your expression sobered quickly as you read the signature near the bottom of the letter. You fixed him with an accusatory glare, clenching the thin paper in your right hand as you addressed him. “Cersei.”
He approached you cautiously, holding his hands out as a sign of surrender, reaching for the letter contained in your hands.
You quickly pulled it out of his grasp. “You said you cut off all communication with her. You lied to me.”
“I did!” He defended. “I told her to leave us be, but she’s my sister, she’s family. I can’t just disappear without a word!”
“Is she more? Is she more than family to you?” You demanded. You’d never heeded the rumors, believing him when he told you that she was his past and you were his future. But some part of you had always wondered if the whispers about your husband were true. The conflicted expression he wore seemed to disturbingly push you towards the truth.
“Y/N…” he warned lowly, drawing closer and again reaching for the letter, this time a bit more insistently. “Give it here.”
“No,” you asserted, again moving out of his grasp, “answer the question!”
Jamie’s expression was cold, defensive, and so unlike how you’d ever seen him. “I told you to ignore those rumors.”
“Is that all they are? Rumors?” Your upper lip trembled, but you kept your expression as neutral as you could manage.
His silence betrayed him.
Your firm exterior crumbled. You took a step back, and then two, and then three. You clasped a hand over your mouth, breathing stuttering and trembling. Your back collided with the wall, and you let the letter finally tumble from your grasp. Your eyes watered, and your chest squeezed painfully. “I feel sick.” You sunk lower, back pressed to the wall, hitting the floor and pulling your knees up to your chest.
Jamie finally snapped into action, sliding down onto his knees and drawing close to you, desperation clear in his body language. He reached to cup your cheek, dismayed when you pulled away. “Hey. Hey. It doesn’t mean anything, I’m still here, I married you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you!” He spluttered promises like a drunk spluttered lies.
You pushed him away, grasping for the traitorous letter and thrusting it at him. “You don’t understand Jamie. This,” you gestured between the two of you. “This won’t work, this can’t work anymore.” You held up your hands to keep him at bay. “This was all built on a lie! You were never running with me, you were always running from her!” You scrambled to your feet, tears spilling onto your cheeks. “I never want to see you again!”You snarled at him, hiding your hurt in anguish.
Jamie watched as you disappeared from your home, and disappear from his life. All he could do was stare.
You’d been bickering with Robb since the day you met him. Always small trivial things, blown way out of proportion. A side-mouthed comment, something callous and crass usually did the trick of setting you off.
Initially, it had just been children being children, arguing for the sake of argument. But when you two grew out of adolescence, childhood anger faded away and repressed attraction began to rule Robb’s life. Suddenly, you weren’t the sweet girl with round cheeks who he liked to tease. Now you were beautiful, and other boys began to take notice. Theon flirted with you relentlessly, as did a few other boys from Wintertown. Suddenly, Robb didn’t have you to himself anymore, and it annoyed him to no end. So, he did the logical thing.
He became even more of a prat in an attempt to once again capture your attention.
Alternatively, you’d been rather busy politely refusing the advances of a few very brazen boys who’d begun a quest for your attention, all while the boy who’s attention you actually craved ignored you completely. When he did speak to you, he was cruel and teasing, and more than once you’d been brought to tears. The things he said didn’t affect you as much as the anger in his expression, the coolness of his tone. You’d fooled yourself into believing Robb harbored no feelings for you.
Robb grip on your wrist was almost bruising, dragging you away from some poor son of blacksmith who’d finally worked up the courage to flirt with you.
Your ears rung as you poured over the things he’d said. No sooner had the boy tucked a strand of your hair behind your ear than Robb had stormed over and laid into the boy with a series of angry exclamations before finally turning his back and taking you with him.
Anger reared within you. How dare he treat you so cruelly and punish those who treated you with kindness? Grinding to a halt, you pulled back on his hand, planting your feet and forcing him to a stop. “You need to apologize.”
Robb scoffed, hiding the hurt that lurked beneath the anger in his eyes. Jealousy had overtaken him, seeing you with another man had sent him into action, which he now regretted, knowing it would only lead into another round of questions from you. “I don’t need to do anything.”
“Robb Stark, I have never seen you act like this. Are you a child? If you have some issue with me, I’d be glad to sort it out, but you are not allowed to berate those I keep in my company-”
He chuckled sparsely. “Why do you think you’re entitled enough to tell me what to do?” He couldn’t stop himself. There was something about the way yours eyes flashed when he angered you, something addictive.
“Why?” You parroted, staring back at him in a stunned awe. “I’ve known you since we were children Robb. I was there when you lifted your first sword, when you won your first fight, when you kissed your first maiden.” You sounded off, expression rippling as you worked yourself up. “Why do I get to tell you what to do? Because I love you, you bastard!” Your fists clenched by your sides, you finally caught sight of Robb’s expression.
He was shell-shocked, completely silent and staring with a slack jaw.
Your nerve began to give way and regret flooded your veins. You began to backtrack. “Robb, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-”
He surged forward, smashing his lips to yours and holding you firmly in his arms, one hand on each of your biceps. The kiss was raw and fiery, the result of too many years of holding back. When he finally pulled back, he laughed. “I should listen to you more often.”
@legendsaresooftenwarnings requested: “Or one where Stark!Reader marries Loras and renly and loras still have that relationship while reader and margaery have a relationship as well?”
Warnings! Some mention of sex, but not actual smut!
Y/N watched Loras throw back another goblet of wine with dismay, resting her chin on her fist. Lazily averting her eyes, she sifted through possible conversation topics in her head. In the short few months since the two had been betrothed, she felt as if they’d exhausted all of them. She silently noted his untouched plate. “The feast is not to your liking, my Lord?”
Loras seemed to tense upon hearing her voice, his grimace turning into a pained half-smile. “It’s lovely, I’m just not very hungry is all.” In the brief sentence he spoke to her, he’d barely bothered to glance over at her, his attention elsewhere.
She sighed softly, rhythmically against her jaw. She’d never expected her own wedding to be this dull. The other guests appeared to be enjoying themselves, and few seemed to notice the unhappy couple.
“Gods Loras, you’re practically boring her to death.” The snide comment emanated from the youngest Baratheon brother and he smiled politely at the bride before reverting his attention to Loras. “Be careful, lest someone else steals her away.” Renly teased lowly, shooting the girl a playful wink.
andtheytoldustotellyouhello 