The Queen has requested that everybody with a knighthood attend a meeting at Windsor Castle. Speaking to the sizeable crowd of ageing actors and retired musicians, she explains why – The dragons are back, and she expects that every knight will do his duty.
Everyone turns and looks at Ian McKellen.
“Oh Christ,” he says. “If only Christopher Lee were still here. Then we might have a chance.”
Dame Judi Dench stands up and cracks her knuckles. “Fine, then, if you’re all too chicken… come on, Maggie, let’s do this.”
Dame Maggie Smith grabs her wand from the Harry Potter movies that she stole. She exclaims that she will properly stab them in the eyes if she has to.
The Queen has requested that everybody with a knighthood attend a meeting at Windsor Castle. Speaking to the sizeable crowd of ageing actors and retired musicians, she explains why – The dragons are back, and she expects that every knight will do his duty.
Everyone turns and looks at Ian McKellen.
“Oh Christ,” he says. “If only Christopher Lee were still here. Then we might have a chance.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake. Stand aside, you lot!”
The crowd of knights parts, revealing Dames Maggie Smith, Judy Dench and Helen Mirren, all of whom are dressed in leather and ready to fuck shit up.
“Honestly, Ian,” Maggie Smith mutters. “Really.”
As the Dames stride past a suitably chastened Ian McKellen, Michael Gambon produces a folding chair, a hip flask and an immensely pleased expression.
“Told you,” he says, taking a seat. “Did anyone bring any biscuits?”
Elton John roars up in a gilded Rolls Royce, McCartney in tow.
“Sorry I’m late. The phone reception was terrible. Something about giant reptiles? What are we waiting for? Come on Paul, let’s rock these crocodiles!”
The Queen has requested that everybody with a knighthood attend a meeting at Windsor Castle. Speaking to the sizeable crowd of ageing actors and retired musicians, she explains why – The dragons are back, and she expects that every knight will do his duty.
Everyone turns and looks at Ian McKellen.
“Oh Christ,” he says. “If only Christopher Lee were still here. Then we might have a chance.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake. Stand aside, you lot!”
The crowd of knights parts, revealing Dames Maggie Smith, Judy Dench and Helen Mirren, all of whom are dressed in leather and ready to fuck shit up.
“Honestly, Ian,” Maggie Smith mutters. “Really.”
As the Dames stride past a suitably chastened Ian McKellen, Michael Gambon produces a folding chair, a hip flask and an immensely pleased expression.
“Told you,” he says, taking a seat. “Did anyone bring any biscuits?”
A tin appears in his peripheral vision, shiny and golden. He looks up to find a lopsided grin curling across the lips of Dame Diana Rigg, impish gleam in her eyes. “Your biscuits… Sir Michael?”
The Queen has requested that everybody with a knighthood attend a meeting at Windsor Castle. Speaking to the sizeable crowd of ageing actors and retired musicians, she explains why – The dragons are back, and she expects that every knight will do his duty.
Everyone turns and looks at Ian McKellen.
“Oh Christ,” he says. “If only Christopher Lee were still here. Then we might have a chance.”
Dame Judi Dench stands up and cracks her knuckles. “Fine, then, if you’re all too chicken… come on, Maggie, let’s do this.”
Dame Helen Mirran and Dame Julie Andrews have already brought the car around.
The Queen has requested that everybody with a knighthood attend a meeting at Windsor Castle. Speaking to the sizeable crowd of ageing actors and retired musicians, she explains why – The dragons are back, and she expects that every knight will do his duty.
Everyone turns and looks at Ian McKellen.
“Oh Christ,” he says. “If only Christopher Lee were still here. Then we might have a chance.”
Sir Terry Pratchett rises from the grave, delighted. This is his moment.
the universe: okay, you’re a human. I gave you free will and a conscious mind, so you’re free to do whatever you want. So what do you wanna do?
human: GO FAST
the universe: well, you’re a perfect pursuit predator but if that’s the way you want to evolve, go ahead.
human, climbing on a horse: GO FAST
the universe: wait what
human, inventing the carriage, the car and the bullet train: GO FASTER
the universe: I IMPLORE YOU TO STOP
human, trying to figure out lightspeed travel: FAS T ER
human:
THEORETICALLY MAXIMUM FAST
the universe:
How will the people in the ship not get gibbed?
Because the warp drive doesn’t actually accelerate the ship, it just makes the space in front of it smaller and the space behind it larger. Or something.
it works like this
Objects cannot accelerate to the speed of light within normal spacetime; instead, the Alcubierre drive shifts space around an object so that the object would arrive at its destination faster than light would in normal space without breaking any physical laws.
A WRINKLE IN TIME IS COMING TRUE
We gonna be surfing gravity waves!!
COWABUNGA SPACE DUDES!
I love how mankind’s solution to ftl is just to bend to rules of reality a little.
Universe: ok human, with the physical laws as they are you can’t go faster than the speed of light.
Humanity: ok, let me just figure out how to manipulate space time so I can go FASTER!
if you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to live in the midwest, this is it.
You missed some of the best ones
the best part about it is that the art installation isn’t actually called the Bean. It’s called Cloud Gate, and artist Anish Kapoor (yes, THAT Anish Kapoor) hates that we call it the Bean.
But i mean, look at it. It’s a bean.
How could you forget this one though
I HAD NO FUCKING IDEA THAT THE BEAN WAS CREATED BY ANISH KAPOOR.
someone help me why is anish kapoor important what did he do?
Alright sit down for some Art World Drama bcause this is what I live for.
So, sometime last year (?) science invented Vantablack, which is the darkest possible shade of black. Art world got incredibly excited. But as it needs to be very carefully made in a lab, it’s hard to get a hold of, and is extremely expensive. Enter Anish Kapoor, aka FuckFace McGee. Anish Kapoor buys the rights to Vantablack. He is the only human being on the planet that can legally use it, and he’s kind of a prick about it.
Art world is not thrilled with that.
Enter Stuart Semple.
Stuart Semple is an artist, and also makes pigments to sell in his free time. Stuart Semple is astoundingly pissed about this Vantablack nonsense, and Anish Kapoor’s dickery. Stuart Semple makes a new pigment, the brightest shade of pink ever, called Pinkest Pink, and puts it for sale on the internet. To be bought by everybody except Anish Kapoor. Literally, to purchase, you need to confirm that you are not Anish Kapoor, do not associate with him, and will not sell or give the pigment to Anish Kapoor or his associates. Art world has a good laugh, everyone buys Pinkest Pink because it’s awesome, and damn it we deserve something.
Anish Kapoor however is a penis, and will not take this lying down, because HOW DARE he not have literally everything.
Anish Kapoor gets his London associates to buy him a thing of Pinkest Pink, and being such a classy human being, posts a picture to instagram of him with his middle finger covered in Pinkest Pink, captioned with “Up yours. #pink”
Everyone flips shit, because. Y’know. Fuck that guy. Especially Stuart Semple. For context here, Anish Kapoor is one of the richest artists on the planet, and has repeatedly been referred to as everything wrong with the art world, and the epitome of the art worlds elitism problem. He’s a giant douchebag. Meanwhile Stuart Semple makes pigments just to get them out there. He turns 0 profit from his now enourmously popular pigments.
Stuart Semple launches an investigation as to who the fuck leaked Pinkest Pink, and plans to strike back. He does so by releasing two new products. First is Diamond Dust, which is a glitter made from glass, so that a painting is still visible after it’s applied, but glitters like a mofo. It’s the most reflective glitter out there, and is available to everyone who isn’t Anish Kapoor. And it being made of glass, if you stick your finger in there, it’s going to hurt quite a bit, so that was Stuart Semple’s way of saying “shove your middle finger in this, asshole, see what happens”. Except without saying that, because he can get an insult across while still being fucking classy.
He also releases Black 2.0, created with the help of over a thousand artists worldwide.
Black 2.0 is the answer to Vantablack. Black 2.0 is a slightly less black black, but looks functionally the same to the human eye. It’s completely safe, smells like cherries, and costs four pounds. Vantablack is highly toxic, potentially explosive, needs to be applied in a special laboratory and sealed properly, can’t be moved across borders, can reach 300 degrees celsius if you’re not extremely careful, and costs thousands of dollars. Anish Kapoor is the only human being who can use Vantablack. He is the only human being who cannot use Black 2.0.
So I think we can guess who got the better deal.
And thus the feud ends, Kapoor defeated.
…But not quite.
Kapoor, in this entire afair, has made exactly two comments to the public. The first being his charming message about aquiring Pinkest Pink, the second being claiming to Buzzfeed that he and his small army of lawyers will be suing Semple, an extremely poor artist who cannot afford a lawyer.
No lawsuit has been made yet, fyi.
The point is, Kapoor is a prick, and doesn’t like talking to the lower classes. So one day in July 2017, he decides he needs another floor on his London studio apartment, and starts making arrangements to have it built. His neighbors are fucking pissed, because this will ruin the light of their apartments. They call to Semple to save them, or at the very least piss Kapoor off some more.
Semple answers to the call, and releases two new paints, Phaze and Shift, as always, banned to Kapoor. They change colours, Phaze with temperature, and Shift is just iridescent. Shift needs to be painted over Black 2.0 to work, and Phaze just works on its own.
So that’s been the art world for the last two years.
Basically, get fucked Anish Kapoor your bean sucks and so does your vantablack.
Stuart Semple is organising a bean-kissing event for Anish Kapoor’s birthday.
Reblogging for “By attending this event you confirm that you are not Anish Kapoor, you are in no way affiliated with Anish Kapoor, you are not attending on behalf of Anish Kapoor or an associate of Anish Kapoor. To the best of your knowledge, information, and belief this event will not be attended by Anish Kapoor.”
ALSO HE JUST POSTED THIS!!!!!! LIGHTEST LIGHT!
I know this isn’t my art blog but this entire post gives me life
[Thanks for the request! Brief strong language warning. Hope you enjoy!]
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Her sneer was unimaginably cold, and she glared at her father across the table. “What… strategy is this?” Her meal sat abandoned in front of her. “You would make me a hostage, a token of your submission? Marry me to some Stark brat?” She was more Bolton than she knew.
i’m 101% sure that this entire line was improv and tom couldn’t help it
“Yeah, that was basically, we did about six different versions of that story, and that was just us standing around while the cameras were rolling and I would just feed them lines and feed Chris ideas for stories. I’d say, “Do another one, in this one say: ‘I was walking through a field, and I saw a lovey Turkish rug in the middle of the grass, and I love Turkish rugs, so I went to stand on it, and it was Loki, and he turned back into Loki and there was a hole and I fell through the hole was was impaled on a whole lot of spikes.’” So we did versions of that, and the one with the snake just ended up being the one we used.”
I choose to beliee every version of this story is true
and is just a different tale of when Loki turned into something ridiculous
and tried to murder his brother
I don’t know what makes this funnier, the idea that Loki kept trying the same prank, or that Thor kept falling for it.
Thor: OH LOOK A PUPPY
Loki: WAAAAUUUGGGHHHHH
Thor: OH NO IT’S YOU AGAIN!
Look, Thor’s options were to be a lovable doofus who fell for “the same prank” of Loki pretending to be basically anything or Thor becoming hopelessly, uselessly paranoid like you do when you play Prey from start to finish in one sitting.
Thor: *crushes a desk*
Stark: Okay that was a very nice desk so I feel I’m at least owed an explanation. Also, a desk, probably.
Thor: There were two staplers on it.
Stark: …And?
Thor: I thought one of them was Loki.
I AM DYING.
“I thought one of them was Loki.”
SEND HELP!
Also, Taika said they were originally going to a film a flashback for that scene and show the prank but Chris’s deliveries were so funny that they scrapped the idea all together
andtheytoldustotellyouhello 