So I was watching this new gameshow called “child support” and basically someone tries to answer questions right to win money if they get one wrong a child can save them if they know the answer (it’s a great funny game)
Anyway…one of the questions was ‘At MIT, if a student completes courses in archery, fencing, pistol shooting and sailing they can become a certified what?’
The answer was PIRATE !!!
Now all I can think about is Tony in his MIT days finding out this little fact and thinking hell yeah I wanna be a certified fucking pirate and so he completes all the courses, with the best and highest scores the school has ever seen, and also like of course he knows how to shoot a pistol and sail a boat, he’s a bloody Stark for christ sake!!! But he also wants a pirate buddy and he so he drags Rhodey along with him to each course and Rhodey my man, he beats Tony’s highest score in pistol shooting and his archery skills are on fire but Tony doesn’t mind coming second to his Rhodey bear and then finally!! They get their certificate/award and Rhodey looks down at it and is like
“Tones!! You never said we were training to be pirates, I would have learned the sail boat knots better!! Man I can’t believe you” but Tony just looks at him and shakes his head all with this massive smile on his face and then just whispers to Rhodey “we’re fricken certified pirates buddy” and then he and Rhodey burst into a fit of giggles because whilst it was fun pretending to be Captain America and his howling commandos that stopped being cool when they were five, but pirates? PIRATES?? YOU’RE NEVER TOO OLD TO BE A PIRATE
(also some time later when Tony finally meets Fury he’s a little jealous of the eye patch cause he could never pull it off himself and he always makes jokes about Fury being a pirate until one day the avengers are battling on a massive ship and they eventually win but they’re way out in the ocean and just wanna get home so Steve eventually takes command of the steering but then in their coms Furys voice is loud and clear for all to hear “Rogers this is the one and only time I’ll say this, but Tony Stark is more qualified to get this ship back to homeland…Cap’n Stark take the wheel” everyone’s faces are bewildered especially when Tony answers “Aye aye Sir” and commands the steering like he was born to do it, when the avengers ask why him?
Tony’s already got his pirate certificate out and proudly holding it up whilst getting Jarvis to take a photo of him and sending it to Rhodey with the caption ‘finally our time for pirating has come’
i’m 101% sure that this entire line was improv and tom couldn’t help it
“Yeah, that was basically, we did about six different versions of that story, and that was just us standing around while the cameras were rolling and I would just feed them lines and feed Chris ideas for stories. I’d say, “Do another one, in this one say: ‘I was walking through a field, and I saw a lovey Turkish rug in the middle of the grass, and I love Turkish rugs, so I went to stand on it, and it was Loki, and he turned back into Loki and there was a hole and I fell through the hole was was impaled on a whole lot of spikes.’” So we did versions of that, and the one with the snake just ended up being the one we used.”
I choose to beliee every version of this story is true
and is just a different tale of when Loki turned into something ridiculous
and tried to murder his brother
I don’t know what makes this funnier, the idea that Loki kept trying the same prank, or that Thor kept falling for it.
Thor: OH LOOK A PUPPY
Loki: WAAAAUUUGGGHHHHH
Thor: OH NO IT’S YOU AGAIN!
Look, Thor’s options were to be a lovable doofus who fell for “the same prank” of Loki pretending to be basically anything or Thor becoming hopelessly, uselessly paranoid like you do when you play Prey from start to finish in one sitting.
Thor: *crushes a desk*
Stark: Okay that was a very nice desk so I feel I’m at least owed an explanation. Also, a desk, probably.
Thor: There were two staplers on it.
Stark: …And?
Thor: I thought one of them was Loki.
I AM DYING.
“I thought one of them was Loki.”
SEND HELP!
Also, Taika said they were originally going to a film a flashback for that scene and show the prank but Chris’s deliveries were so funny that they scrapped the idea all together
So you know how there’s all these posts about how aliens invade Earth only to realize that Earth is a death planet and/or Space Australia as the flora, fauna, weather, and natural disasters kill them off and traumatize them? Well, imagine that the alien invaders finally give up and leave Earth. What chases them off? I imagine that the resistance starts putting out information on cryptids. It’s the last straw for the invaders, especially since even the human inhabitants native to Earth seem to be confused about exactly how dangerous said cryptids are, and so the aliens have no way to be prepared to face them. Morale plummets (even further) and alien command has to call off the invasion due to the public outcry, making history as the first time this group of aliens has retreated from an invasion.
The surviving humans soon realize that the honor of chasing off that group of aliens has attracted a lot of attention from other groups of aliens. Some of these aliens are looking at possibly invading. Others want to work with humans to turn Earth into a space vacation-destination. In order to discourage invaders while simultaneously attracting curious tourists, much information about the animals most infamous among the invaders is made readily available to the alien community in general, along with a lot of information on cryptids. Information on non-cryptids and cryptids is presented to aliens in much the same way, and the humans never clarify which are which, so many invaders are too scared to try and invade, while many tourists are intrigued by the potential mystery.
Of course, the tourists are horrified to learn that the hippopotamus is not, as they had thought, a cryptid.
Adding my own thoughts on the “Earth is Space Australia” idea floating around, I’m imagining some aliens finding an *absolute* death world, scorching hot, every single species of fauna is venomous, most of the flora is poisonous too, there’s barely any water… they think to themselves “okay, this time we’ve got it. We’ll finally stump the humans. This is a world they can’t possibly think to inhabit”. So they take it to the human colony bureau or whatever and a human stares at their report for a long while, “hmms” a lot, and then after a long moment goes,
We have a lot of weird expressions. Some are anachronistic, having come from a time and place that no longer exists, leaving us with a phrase that seems to have no context; one of these would be to “bite the bullet”, which referred to the practice of literally biting down on a bullet (or a piece of would) while someone operated on you/seared a wound shut, to keep yourself from screaming too much or biting your mouth and hurting yourself. In an era of much more precise surgeries and anesthesia, the context no longer exists, but the phrase is still used.
Then there are phrases that are deliberately hyperbolic. “I’m going to tan your hide”. for example, is a descriptive way to tell someone you’re going to beat them, but odds are good you’re not literally going to be tanning their hide.
So I was thinking that a group of enterprising aliens would form a betting pool around certain words and phrases; you can bet whether phrases are anachronistic, literal, or hyperbolic, and then the pool pays out when the phrase is confirmed one way or another.
Which brought me to an amusing little scene in my head.
———
Malchior 7 was an incredibly hostile planet. All the local flora and fauna had self-defense features that would kill most species. It was advised, if you were determined to visit, to wear full haz-mat suits and bring at least one human. Most dangerous of all were the dominant species, a carnivorous form of primate with near-sapient intelligence, clever enough to use tools and form societies, but either not intelligent enough or too violent to have dialog with outside races.
So when a scouting party was ambushed by a large warband of these primates, the alien members fled in terror, only realizing about twenty paces down the path that the humans were standing and fighting. Their hazmat suits were already ripped from the beasts’ claws, and their guns hand been knocked from their hands, but the humans still fought, wresting the primates’ weapons from their hands and turning them on their creators. One of the humans managed to get a firm grip on the ankle of one of the beasts, and began slinging him back and forth, using the primate as a flail to slam into his cohorts.
One of the aliens let out a warble of delight, hurriedly pulling out its comm device and beginning to record, while simultaneously opening a codex page and beginning to type.
“Gor’thax, this is hardly the time!”
“You don’t understand. I am about to make SO. MUCH. PROFIT.” The alien uploaded the footage to the codex, with the title “[VIDEO PROOF – LITERAL PHRASE] “I’m going to beat a motherfucker with another motherfucker.”“
Fun Story: My director kept telling me and my tenor sax buddy to play softer. No matter what we did, it wasn’t soft enough for him. So getting frustrated, I told my buddy “Dont play this time. Just fake it”
Our Band Director then informed us we sounded perfect.
To my readers: “p” means quiet, “pp” means really quiet. I’ve never seen “pppp” before haha.
On the contrast, “f” means loud, and “ffff” probably means so loud you go unconscious.
I had ffff in a piece once and my conductor told me to play as loudly as physically possible without falling off my chair…
Me and my trombone buddies had “ffff” and he sat next to me and played so hard that he fell out of his chair.
The lengths we go for music.
Okay yeah so I play the bass clarinet and the amount of air you have to move and the stiffness of the reed means it only has two settings and that is loud and louder, with an optional LOUDEST that includes a 50% probability of HORRIBLE CROAKING NOISE which is the bass equivalent of the ubiquitous clarinet shriek.
One day, when I was in concert band in high school, we got a new piece handed out for the first time, and there was a strange little commotion back in the tuba section — whispering, and pointing at something in the music, and swatting at each other’s hands all shhh don’t call attention to it. And although they did attract the attention of basically everyone else in the band, they managed to avoid being noticed by the band director, who gave us a few minutes to look over our parts and then said, “All right, let’s run through it up to section A.”
And here we are, cheerfully playing along, sounding reasonably competent — but everyone, when they have the attention to spare, is keeping an eye on the tuba players. They don’t come in for the first eight measures or so, and then when they do come in, what we see is:
[stifled giggling]
[reeeeeeally deep breath]
[COLOSSAL FOGHORN NOISE]
The entire band stops dead, in the cacophonous kind of way that a band stops when it hasn’t actually been cued to stop. The band director doesn’t even say anything, just looks straight back at the tubas and makes a helpless sort of why gesture.
In unison, the tuba players defend themselves: “THERE WERE FOUR F’S.”
FFFF is not really a rational dynamic marking for any instrument, but for the love of all that is holy why would you put it in a tuba part.
This is the best band post
Everyone else go home
Oh man, so I play trombone, and we got this piece called Florentiner Marsch by Julius Fucik, and we saw this
which is 8 fortes. We were shocked until,
that is 24 fortes who the fuck does that
Who does that?
This guy. Take a good look – that is the moustache of a man with nothing to lose.
Julius IdontgivaFucik
More like Julius Fuckit
Pyrozod’s tags for this were too hilarious not to share
Whenever my mom calls us in for dinner or prayer or something, she always complains that it’s like ‘herding cats’ because once you get someone in the room another person is like: “oh! I gotta go grab something!” And runs out.
andtheytoldustotellyouhello 