do yourself a favor and read “Oh God, Not Again!” by Sarah1281

thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

cheskamouse:

susiephone:

  • it is a harry potter fanfic from like 2009, 160k words, 50 chapters
  • basically, adult Harry accidentally goes back in time and wakes up on his 11th birthday again, but with all his memories of the future intact
  • (the way he travels back makes no sense whatsoever but it doesn’t really matter)
  • harry decides upon 3 goals:
    • fuck up as much shit as possible
    • make a shitload of money
    • save some lives or whatever
  • it is
  • H I L A R I O U S
  • his go-to explanation for how he knows what’s going to happen?
  • he has a psychic scar
  • (hermione is SO PISSED about this)
  • (neville’s like “either he’s psychic, or he’s the greatest conman alive”)
  • everyone just sort of assumes harry’s insane and he doesn’t do much to dispute this
  • harry also decides to make it his mission in life to LOSE the house cup every year
  • “snape is my sole ally”
  • he also goes out of his way to befriend neville, ginny, and luna earlier this time, so they’re part of the gang throughout and it’s great
  • even draco is a friend!
  • (kind of)
  • (when harry’s not spreading a rumor that draco’s the lovechild of narcissa and snape, anyway)
  • harry’s motivation for everything he does in this story is basically, “oh, this will be hilarious
  • either that or, “it’s probably a tax deductible”
  • because the way lockhart is written in this story is also amazing and harry ends up teaming up with him to merchandise The Boy Who Lived so he can have cash to burn
    • (so he gets a LOT of shit done via bribes)
    • it gets to the point where harry is able to convince everyone that he’s not the heir of slytherin…. because if he was, he’d have found a way to make money off of it
    • and everyone’s like “yeah ok that checks out”
  • in this timeline, neville’s boggart isn’t snape…. it’s harry as the minister of magic
  • harry also decides to make sure cedric lives by quizzing him constantly on what to do if he ends up in a graveyard
    • harry: by the way, that reminds me – cedric. graveyard.
    • cedric, not even really listening: run like hell.
  • the sheer magnitude to which harry does not give a fuck in this timeline is truly awe-inspiring
    • he mouths off to everyone, and i mean everyone. lockhart, snape, the dursleys, malfoy, friggin’ voldemort
  • everyone is like “what… what the fuck, harry”
    • (though by the end of first year it’s more like “… *deep sigh* … fine.
    • snape is so angry
  • it’s fucking hysterical and just about everyone ends up better off
  • here’s the link
  • thank me later

Found it.

Well now I HAVE to read this 😀

Harry Potter – the Farming Mogul

ladyhallen:

He arrives without much fanfare, only the sudden silence of
the forest announcing his arrival. For a moment, no creature dares to make a
sound.

And then the green-eyed man sighs, looking around the
ancient trees with fondness and not even doing a double take at the crossbows
and creatures with multiple eyes and pincers staring at him.

He bows in their direction and left without stirring a
thing.

After a moment, sound resumes again, all the more louder as
though making up for their silence.

“Mars is bright,” the centaur says, not nonchalant but very
much unnerved. “We must make more arrows.”

.

He is registered as Harrison Peters within two days.

The Ministry of Magic is full of the corrupt and the easily
bribed and five hundred galleons fabricate a story easily. His mother had been
a muggle, his father a two-timing bastard with a penchant for leaving a string
of women pregnant – except he had managed to track his uncle down and get a
stipend of money.

He buys a house in central London, an establishment on Diagon
Alley and another house in Hogsmeade, staffing it with three house elves per
house and tasking them to digging under the house a large basement that could
comfortably house three hundred people. It would house even more, since
Undetectable Expansion Charms were something.

He starts appearing in the ministry, a quiet, distinguished
gentleman. He is almost too old or too young to gain much attention, but if
someone were to point out Mr. Peters, they would remember his green eyes.

They would not remember the advice he gives the Minister
about new laws pushing for werewolf jobs – his voice is too quiet and generic
for that. They would not remember the little compulsion he spells the Minister
– the Elder wand is too great for that. They would not remember the subclause
he manages to make the Minister write in the Wizangamot laws, that no one under
the age of seventeen may be tried with a full court less the person doing so
will lose their magic entirely.

Harrison Peters, who had once been Harry Potter, does this
over the course of three months.

.

Keep reading

Harry Potter – the Farming Mogul part 2

ladyhallen:

Harrison takes one day to gather information, one day to
learn his target, another two hours to plot a course of action. On the third
day, he successfully conned the Nott Family Head to sign over four orphanages
to him.

It is completely not in his plans, but needs must.

He buys eight other house-elves and bonds them. He sends
them to whoever needs it most. An orphanage with a leaky roof and almost no
insulation gets two house elves. The orphanage with a flooded basement and
almost rotted food stores gets three. The one he had visited gets one and last
one orphanage that just straight up pissed him off – because the matron had
reported the need for blankets – gets
two.

Harrison takes a breather after that just to calm down his
nerves. The very state of the magical children had given him flashbacks to his
own childhood and it had not been pretty.

His magic is volatile and did not like anything that made
him feel that angry. It had whipped his house-elves into agitation. He had
never seen so many pastries in his life. (His house-elves stress baked! It made
him laugh.)

“Fern,” he says to his personal house-elf. “Report to me the
state of the children every month, alright? All their needs must be met. They
must be in comfort, not just fine.”

The head house-elf nods seriously.

.

With the orphanage business out of the way, he focuses back
on his farms.

Profit is cut back given that he is now supplying the
orphanages with food. He is still earning, but not as much.

“We’ll need more land,” he announces to his elves.

They look gleeful at the prospect of more work and he shakes
his head ruefully.

“Maybe we can add animals to this operation, though we can’t
actually use magic to make them reproduce faster,” he muses. “Unless you guys
have a way to make the cows, sheep and goats give birth to twins and triplets?”

The elves exchange looks and they start shifting on their
feet.

“Well?”

The more outspoken elf says, “We can do it, but the mother
dies faster.”

Of course it would be detrimental to the health of the
mother. But he is a wizard and there is a potion for that. Still, he would have
to give the mother six months of peacefully grazing and nursing the baby.

“Alright,” he nods. “I can do that. But…it seems I’ll have
to hire a potions master for this. Or just buy the Rejuvenation Potion in
bulk.”

Harrison does not just buy another farm; he buys the entire
stretch of mountain and fifty hectares of the land by the shadow of its feet.

Half of the land is for grazing and the other half is for
farming. His elves are ecstatic for more work but are wise enough to admit that
more elf-power might be needed.

He hires ten more elves, bond with them, and leaves them at
the mercy of Fern who receives them with all the dignity of a seasoned general
with new troops.

.

Keep reading