Compared to the rest of the galaxy humanity is by far the friendliest. To many star systems they are considered “the good neighbor,” and are known for their helpfulness. One day an oblivious system declares war on humanity, only to find half of the galaxy responding to humanity’s plea for aid.
The thing about humanity was, they were better from a distance. It was well known throughout the galaxy that humans were a warring violent and largely self destructive race. Anyone with any kind of sense at all stayed far away from their home solar system if you wanted safe travels.
So it might come as something of a surprise for those who encountered the odd human scrapping vessel out on the outskirts of civilized space after getting turned around, that the gruff looking humans aboard not only had no qualms about giving directions but also insisted you travel together for a good part of the trip because “We were thinking on heading up that way soon anyway and that asteroid field can be a bit tricky if you haven’t been through it before.” They also were likely to force some extra supplies on the hapless traveler in an effort to ensure they were eating enough.
When a colony was ravaged by natural disasters, it was human builders who showed up with the tools supplies and know how to rebuild again. When a traveler got waylaid or trapped at an intergalactic space station chances were pretty good it was a human who stepped in to help get them were they were going. Forget your wallet while at the market? A passing by human might just pick up your bill wanting nothing in return just throwing a friendly smile into the bargain for good measure. Having trouble with the star engine, hollow projector or neuron ejector? You can sure as heck bet some random human was going to appear with ten different theories of what’s wrong and offering to come back with some of his tools and four of his buddies to help you figure it out.
Disaster was once narrowly avoided when a fresh colony vessel had encountered a critical malfunction causing both ship’s engines to blow beyond repair. Their home planet had just delivered the devastating news that the nearest rescue ship would not reach them until days after they ran out of auxiliary power and died. Just as everyone was gearing up to mourn one of the greatest tragedies in recent history, suddenly scores of ships of all types and sizes began showing up from every possible direction and every last one of them human. There was a moment of panic until a human sent word that they were here to help and there were more on the way. They explained they didn’t have anything big enough for a whole colony but if they were willing to split up for a little while they were pretty sure they could get everyone off and to the nearest planet. It shocked those involved to learn that this was an entirely civilian effort. No official government of any kind was involved. “We heard you guys were in trouble so we came running.”
Not to say that humans were good kind and helpful by virtue, indeed some were haughty nasty and cruel. They were very much a warlike race and tales of the horror destruction humans had brought down on their own kind were known all throughout the galaxy. It seemed every day there was a fresh tale of their greed driven senseless violence. Sometimes you’d find yourself being helped by somber faced human who seemed to look through you rather than at you but it’s hard not to be moved as they give you the shirt off their backs without any word or fanfare. Some people would question these humans on their kindness and many would reply with answers along the lines of, “When you know what it’s like to hurt, you do what you can to ease it in others.”
Perhaps it was because humans had no substantial power base outside their own system but humans never extended their fighting and violence outside their boarders. Indeed it’s hard to extend your reach when things are always chaotic on the home front. So most other species experiences with humans was not that of war and death and killing but of that friendly traveler who shared her lunch, or the man who gave his spare compositor to that single mother with twelve hatchlings and no heat. Or the people who turned up in droves when the lightening storm took out the entire hemisphere on that out of the way colony everyone else wanted to forget about. Now other species were always plenty willing to help if asked but the thing about humans was you didn’t have to ask. They just saw that help was needed and they were there ready to do what they could.
Humanity was a small and out of the way species so it was quite some time before word of them reached the galaxies Peace Keepers. The Peace Keepers were an ancient and powerful race that tasked themselves with over seeing the affairs of the galaxy eons ago. When they learned of humans they did the cursory investigation into the potential new citizens of the galactic community that was standard.They not like what they saw. Humans were judged too violent, selfish and dangerous to be allowed to live. So the Peace Keepers moved swiftly to eliminate the rising threat.
When news of the advance hit, humanity scrambled to the fight. All the weaponry and forces previously pointed at one another were banned together against a common foe. There were many a rallying speech about the human spirit and hope and fighting tooth and nail until last, but anyone paying attention could tell you that things were looking pretty grim. The Peace Keepers were the most powerful battalion in the galaxy and mankind had only just successfully mastered the nuclear bomb a few short centuries ago. Humans might at well be throwing spears at them. They took too long to get themselves organized. No one had realized just how fast Peace Keeper ships could travel and by time the people in charge had gathered a clear enough picture to realize that the forces and weaponry at their disposal would not be enough the Peace Keepers were a mere two days away.
Emissaries were sent out immediately to humanities closest neighbors in every direction but it would be weeks before any of them could get back with reinforcements. If any came at all. The Human Empire was small and fledgling and comparatively poor in resources to it’s more established neighbors. There was very little to be gained by allying with the now marked for death humans. None of that mattered much anyway since it seemed highly unlikely that their forces could hold out for a few days let a lone weeks.
Never let it be said that humans are quitters though, impossible odds are just the kind of thing they live for. So rather than turn tail and run away the humans hunkered down and made ready for the fight of the ages. People were evacuated to nearby colonies, troops were shuttled off the the front lines, weapons were distributed, shields were brought up and kept running, every possible avenue of preparation was carefully traversed in hopes that it would mean the difference between life and death.The whole of humanity held it’s collective breath as the time came when the Peace Keepers approached Human Space. To everyone’s horror and dismay their foe appeared to be even more formidable than scout accounts had lead them to believe.
In that instant all hope seemed to be lost. There was little chance in ever hoping to bring down such a giant bent on their destruction. Still mankind will never go down with out a fight so the armies of humans stood their ground just waiting for the order to engage. In the control room there was a silence of aghast horror as no one dared move to give the order that would surely be the death warrants of every single person on the battle field. But what other choice did they have? They knew the Peace Keepers had come to destroy them them and they were ignoring any and all attempts by the humans to hail them even now. If man kind was to have any hope at all of surviving they must fight now,
Just as those in charge in the control room sucked in the air required to give the fateful order everyone was waiting for suddenly a small ship zipped in between to the two armies and stopped smack dab in front of the Peace Keepers Fleet. Soon after another ship flew in flowed by another and another and suddenly there were hundreds of thousands of ships flying in and forming a barrier around the human army.
No one had any idea what was going on, surely this wasn’t the aid they had sent away for, those ships were still weeks out and there was not a single battle cruiser to be found amongst this unexpected fleet. It was mostly scrappers and cargo vessels it was an odd army to behold but their numbers were many. Suddenly a plethora of messages came through on the hailing frequency being patched in from some of their ships on the front line from vagarious different captains of all species and creeds. It was the same message over and over in a thousand different words and dialects,
“We are here to help our neighbors.”
Tag: aliens and humans
Humans Are Weird
So there has been a bit of “what if humans were the weird ones?” going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather?
What if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are all “SCORE! Earth like world! Let’s get exploring before we get out competed!” And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and left, electric storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just … there… counting seconds between flashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving.
To paraphrase one of my favorite bits of a ‘humans are awesome’ fiction megapost: “you don’t know you’re from a Death World until you leave it.” For a ton of reasons, I really like the idea of Earth being Space Australia.
Earth being Space Australia
Words cannot express how much I love these posts
Alien: “I’m sorry, what did you just say your comfortable temperature range is?”
Human: “Honestly we can tolerate anywhere from -40 to 50 Celcius, but we prefer the 0 to 30 range.”
Alien: “……. I’m sorry, did you just list temperatures below freezing?”
Human: “Yeah, but most of us prefer to throw on scarves or jackets at those temperatures it can be a bit nippy.”
Other human: “Nah mate, I knew this guy in college who refused to wear anything past his knees and elbows until it was -20 at least.”
Human: “Heh. Yeah everybody knows someone like that.”
Alien: “……. And did you also say 50 Celcius? As in, half way to boiling?”
Human: “Eugh. Yes. It sucks, we sweat everywhere, and god help you if you touch a seatbelt buckle, but yes.”
Alien: “……. We’ve got like 50 uninhabitable planets we think you might enjoy.”
“You’re telling me that you have… settlements. On islands with active volcanism?”
“Well, yeah. I’m not about to tell Iceland and Hawaii how to live their lives. Actually, it’s kind of a tourist attraction.”
“What, the molten rock?”
“Well, yeah! It’s not every day you see a mountain spew out liquid rocks! The best one is Yellowstone, though. All these hot springs and geysers from the supervolcano–”
“You ACTIVELY SEEK OUT ACTIVE SUPERVOLCANOES?”
“Shit, man, we swim in the groundwater near them.”
Sounds like the “Damned” trilogy by Alan Dean Foster.
“And you say the poles of your world would get as low as negative one hundred with wind chill?”
“Yup, with blizzards you cant see through every other day just about.”
“Amazing! when did you manage to send drones that could survive such temperatures?”
“… well, actually…”
“… what?”
“…we kinda……. sent……….. people…..”
“…”
“…”
“…what?”
“we sent-”
“no yeah I heard you I just- what? You sent… HUMANS… to a place one hundred degrees below freezing?”
“y-yeah”
“and they didn’t… die?”
“Well the first few did”
“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE???!?!?!?”
My new favorite Humans are Weird quote
“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE?”
aka The History of Russia
aka Arctic Exploration
aka The History of Alaska
Being from Alaska, this was sort of how I felt going to college in the lower 48′s and learned that no one else had been put through a literal survival camp as a regular part of their school curriculum, including but not limited to:
1. Learning to recognize all forms of animal tracks in the wild so you can avoid bears and moose and search out rabbits and other small animals to eat.
2. Extensive swimming and climbing on glacial pieces with competitions to see who could last the longest, followed by a group sit in the sauna so we wouldn’t get hypothermia (no, not kidding, I really did this many times as a kid!)
3. How to navigate using the stars to get back to civilization.
4. How to select the right type of moss from the trees to start a fire with damp wood (because, y’know, you’re in a field of snow. Nothing is dry.)
5. How to carve out a small igloo-like space to sleep in the snow to preserve body heat and reduce the windchill so you won’t freeze to death in the arctic.
“I’m telling you, I don’t think we need to worry about territory conflicts with the humans. You know all those deathtrap hell-worlds in the Argoth Cluster?”
“Those worthless rocks? Yeah.”
“80% of them are considered ‘resort destinations’ by those freaky little primates.”“I’m telling you, they terraform for fun!”
“Don’t be ridiculous”
“No, seriously. Some of their most celebrated cultural loci are built on swamps. They have an entire city that is literally in a body of water. Not, like, an artificial pontoon city, they literally sunk the foundations into water. For Grilp’s sake, they build elaborate structures out of frozen water AND THEN SLEEP IN THEM.”
“Dear Thilak. Think we could get them to terraform our moons?”
“Psh, they’d probably pay for the privilege.”Eventually, it occurs to someone that humans are the perfect terraforming shock troops, as it were. They think it’s fun to be sent to horrible planets! They’re really good at surviving and then taming them! All you have to do is sit back and wait until the planet is habitable, and then move there yourself! It’s genius.
It only takes one try before the reality of the situation sets in: human definitions of ‘taming’ and ‘habitable’ are woefully incomplete.
“Why did you not eliminate the venomous plant life?” Grahssk’ti moans, clutching one limb.
“Those?” The human laughs. “Why bother? They’re not that bad. And they eat the mosquitoes.”
Grahssk’ti shudders. The ‘mosquitoes’ are… not to be mentioned. Just one swarm of them caused a landing shuttle to crash three planetary daylights ago.
“And the acid storms? Why did you not warn us of them?”
“I mean, they’re annoying,” the human says, shrugging, “but we figured the cool sunsets made up for it.”
Grahssk’ti flails helplessly. “What about the ten-meter tall Fanged Death Bringers? They can eliminate an entire settlement in under an hour!”
“They’re so cute!” the human says, brightening. “Have you met mine? Her name is Spot!”
Humans are told of some planet or region of space that is considered “completely and utterly inhospitable – it would be folly to try and settle there.”
Without fail, a decent number make it a point to settle there because “Fuck You That’s Why.” It doesn’t matter how uneconomical it is, how difficult the conditions are, how utterly ridiculous it may seem, there will be at least one human who will attempt to do it only because someone else regardless of species says it is improbable or WORSE impossible.
“This moon is still forming as such it is primarily soft – by that I mean most of the magma is close to the surface and-”
‘OH BADASS you mean its like Mustafar right!?!?!?! I’m totally going to build a castle there.’
“What. I mean. There is NO fertile ground there whatsoever. No ecosystem. It is molten rock and minerals only.”
‘Which will make my castle there look METAL AS FUCK am I RIGHT!?!??! Come on. COME ON. I TAUGHT YOU HOW TO FISTBUMP COME ON.’
“….you….you are going to die, you know this right?”
‘I’m getting the feeling you don’t want to come to Lava Castle for some reason?’
“Listen, lad. I’ve built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was molten magma. All those aliens said I was daft to build a castle on a molten planet, but I built it all the same, just to show ‘em. It sank into the magma. So, I built a second one. That sank into the magma. So I built a third one. That spontaneously combusted, turned to ash, then sank into the magma. But the fourth one stayed up. An’ that’s what your gonna get, lad – the strongest castle in this solar system.”
“I’m gonna need for you to explain ‘hurricane parties’ to me again. You humans have the technology to track these apocalyptic storms of wind and rain and predict where on the landmass they’ll hit up to a week in advance. And you…have social gatherings during them?”
“Well yeah, but only up to about Category 3 strength. Then it’s time to pack the car and head inland for most people, although a few hardy souls stick around and ride them out.”
“Oh good. Category 3 is what again? Winds up to 75 kilometers per hour?”
“No no, Category 3 starts at 175 kilometers per hour. You left off the one.”
I’m sure I’ve reblogged some version of this before, but I needed the STRONGEST CASTLE IN THIS SOLAR SYSTEM on my blog.
Someone else on tumblr pointed out that PASSENGERS might have been a more
meaningful movie if it was about just THE ONE person dealing with being
alone on the ship for the rest of their life. And if, to cope, they go
through and make it a point to learn everything they can about all of the other
people on the ship.And I just keep thinking about this idea.
There are
4999 other people on that ship and what if the protagonist spent the
remainder of their life (and they do live their full life) learning about each of them.They took an
interest in their hobbies so that they could have some sort of
connection to them.As their sanity flexed in an effort to cope, they could have had these really involved
imaginary conversations with the crew about their interests. And by the end
of their natural life they will have known everything they could have ever known
about these other 4999 people.…
AND THEN THE REST OF THEM WAKE UP. And they have some
90 odd years of security footage of this one crew member talking to each of them in turn. And it goes far beyond ‘I have figured out how to cook that one dish you were struggling with’ or ‘I have read THE SILMARILLION at your suggestion and Jesus Christ I have thoughts about it.’They actually start making connections between all of the crew.
Like ‘You like bugs! You should totally talk to Cindy! She’s an entomologist!’
Or ‘Did you know that you and Said’s grandfathers were both in the same infantry?’
Or ‘You and Jamie are both avid bee keepers and I think you need to meet.’
Or ‘I know you’re really struggling with this, but Aneesha said she went the exact same thing and I think talking to her can help.’
And because all of these crew members are watching the videos that have been individually addressed to them (Because why not? They’re colonizing. There’s not a lot yet available by way of entertainment) they sort of start talking to each other at the Protagonist’s suggestion. And within a year they are THE MOST unified interconnected colony of any of the colonies because this one crew member broke the ice for them a lifetime ago.
Several of them are engaged.
Two are about to have children named after the Protagonist.
…
AND BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS EVERYONE NOW they notice when one week a crew member isn’t out and about and no one can get in touch with them. So finally somebody goes to check and they find them huddled in a ball and mourning.
Because Protagonist is dead.
And the other people are like: ‘Yes. We know. This is literally the first thing we knew about them.’
But Mourner is like: ‘You don’t understand. I got to the end.’
And then everyone realizes that the mourner has basically been BURNING through all of the videos Protagonist has addressed to them and got to the last one they made to them before they died. And Protagonist left a final message for each of them.
Suddenly everyone’s having a real frank conversation with themselves about how fast they’re going through their videos and if they’re prepared to keep going at that rate and get to the end, or if they should put it off indefinitely.
And one by one, in time, each of them realizes they can’t put it off. Not only are they invested in the end, but they care enough about Protagonist to really acknowledge their death.
Each crew member does this at their own pace. It becomes a rite of passage of sorts. And Protagonist is given some sort of proper memorial so the colonists all have a place to go when their time comes to grieve.
…
BUT BEFORE EVERYONE GETS TO THE END, someone has started noticing how Protagonist treated the robots on the ship over the years. And surprise, surprise, Protagonist named all the robots too and treated them like individuals depending on their quirks. So now someone has finally solved the mystery of why droid 808 insists on being called ‘Bob,’ and why 239 knows ASL, and why the auxiliary robots are so salty about nobody ever being able to tell them apart.
Not only that, but security logs shows that the robots were about 19% more efficient when Protagonist was alive than they are now. And THE VERY SECOND the rest of the crew starts observing the same habits Protagonist used in treating these robots ALL OF THAT EFFICIENCY COMES RIGHT BACK.
Because they missed Protagonist too.
…
And things settle. Everyone thinks they’ve reached the end of Protagonist’s surprises.
…
THEN THEY ARE FINALLY ABLE TO START TRANSPORTATION BETWEEN THEMSELVES AND THE OTHER COLONIES.
And a visiting party shows up.
The visitors are surprised to see HOW WELL everyone on this colony is getting along, because, wow, people are civil where they come from but GODDAMN.
And one of these visiting members is really excited to see their sibling.
And ‘Oh, that’s so nice! Who is it?’
And then the visiting member says a name every single person on this colony knows.
The colonists have to tell them what happened to their sibling, Protagonist.
But they also HAVE to tell the sibling what knowing Protagonist MEANT to them. And what Protagonist knowing THEM, meant to them.
And it’s sad.
The colony pretty much wholesale adopts Protagonist’s sibling as a part of their family because they don’t know what else they can do to fill that void. But just in case, they give the Protagonist’s sibling THE ENTIRETY of Protagonist’s security footage. Because there is 90 years of it and that way they can carry their sibling with them for the rest of their life even if only in video.
And then the colonists think:
‘This. This was the end of Protagonist’s story. And this was a good a proper way to observe it.’
…
AND THEN ONE DAY A SHIP SHOWS UP THAT IS NOT LIKE ANY SHIP THE COLONISTS HAVE EVER SEEN.
And the people driving it aren’t human.
They speak English and passable French. They can chicken scratch Urdu, Mandarin, and Swahili.
Everyone is stunned and wants to know ‘why…?’ and ‘how…?’
And the aliens are just, like, ‘Oh. Protagonist. We ran into them while you were in space. They told us you’d be settling here and asked that we check up on you whenever we were rolling by this quadrant next.’
‘They were really nice. Taught us English. Gave us the files on a couple of your other popular languages as well just to be safe. How’s the colonizing going anyway?’
And everyone thinks back to THAT ONE MONTH of security footage where Protagonist was NIGH IMPOSSIBLE to find. And when they finally did come back to their normal routine they were really quiet and thoughtful for about a week before really getting back to themselves.
The linguists all suddenly remember that IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING THAT REALLY WEIRD MONTH, Protagonist had a new coded language saved to their personal affects and was very insistent that they LEARN IT. ‘FOR REASONS.’
And very quietly, the entire colony makes peace with the fact that Protagonist established a very successful first contact while they were all asleep.
Because of course they did.
Ok first, I would watch this once a week, and second I would like you present to you the concept of John Boyega as the Protagonist.
You’re welcome.